cookie crumbs in the bed…

I hate it when I take the Ambien and Seroquel and then wake up sometime in the middle of the night. In the past few nights I have done a few things while half asleep that  I wish I hadn’t. Problem is, I’m totally unaware I am doing it, and only find out about it the next morning. And speaking of morning, I’m not able to get out of bed until 10:30 – 11;00am, and that is taking a big chunk out of my day. Of course, I don’t DO anything during the day, lazy fuck that everyone thinks that I am, I just don’t have the mental wherewithal and the physical energy to do very much. Maybe I AM lazy…..I certainly seem to be. My house is a mess, my bedroom is a mess, my office is a mess – and here I sit on the computer, typing. Blah.

The things I did while half asleep? Or maybe, more appropriately, sleepwalking:

I put makeup on to go to bed. I hardly ever wear makeup, and my husband was kinda shocked in the morning to see that I had "black eyes" from the eyeliner I had applied with a heavy hand.

I ordered $50 worth of journals on ebay. Ugh. (Not that I regret that, as far as getting the journals, but hubby was a little bit upset that I didn’t actually pay attention to whether we had money in the bank or not.)

I ordered a pink tourmaline ring on ebay.

I downloaded 2 applications and a game (House) on my BlackBerry. Again, really wasn’t a major big deal, but I got them not knowing if I actually had the money in my bank account.

I have eaten 1/2 a package of oreos and 2 cans of Pepsi.

I promise my husband I will do things, and then totally not remember whatever it was that we talked about, so I have to call him at work and ask him what the hell I promised. (You would think that he would remember that  I am not actually THERE for the conversations that we have when I am under the influence of Ambien and Seroquel.)

Anything I read, I forget, so I have to go back and read again.

Luckily, I have not come on to Open Diary and written anything while half asleep. I don’t know, I have to get a handle on this. I’m just not sure how. P-doc’s suggestion is to ADD MORE MEDS. Pfft, meds are what has gotten me to this point to begin with.

Okay, I think that I am done lamenting about my meds. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

"I have become un-comfortingly numb…"

Oh yes, I have also met some really nice people on OD. I enjoy your notes. Like I said before, I log onto OD just to see if I have any notes. They make me feel good, like I am a part of something bigger than me…ya know?

I really don’t want to be part of a group, but I can’t stand the thought of the group not being a part of me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, it’s 12:30 in the afternoon. Kids won’t be home until 3:30. Kev won’t be home until much later.

I guess I’ll just go back in my room and read. But, I don’t even want to do that…….getting caught up in the "slog"–the in-between, where I am not manic, but I am not depressed either–I just know that I am heading for one of them……

Gonna go take meds and read for a bit, I guess.

~Kat