April 17, 1992

9:30 pm

Well. I’m getting a car! Hallelujah! It’s a grey 1984 Escort. It’s not a bad looking car. A little rust on the door, and it needs a wheel baron. Best of all, I only had to pay $100 for it (Kevin is paying the rest.) I am really happy that Kevin is keeping his promise and buying me the car, but what does this mean? Am I obligated to say I’ll marry him (if he asks) because he bought me a car? In all honesty, I can see myself married to Kevin. I’d have a husband who loves me and takes good care of me. But I’m so afraid that we’ll get married, and he’ll decide he doesn’t want to be with me any longer. So, I told him if he asked me, that I’d want to stay engaged for at least 2 years. Why? To give him time to change his mind before we get legally binded. But, oh, how I would love to wear Kevin’s ring on my finger. I’m starting to really become dependent on him. He brightens up my days, and makes me feel so good about myself. And he’s a very compassionate and gentle lover. Only time will tell, right?

I used to love to keep a journal. The whole time that Victor was home and gone, but now I find it almost a "chore". I don’t any relief or satisfaction from it anymore. (And I wanted to be a writer?) Maybe it’s because of Kevin. He let’s me talk to him about anything. And he listens too!!