Acadia

February 1, 2003

I’ve been in the hospital for a month now. This BMHI business has really got me bummed to the max! What’s the point of trying anymore? All my dreams are ending the same, too, so why not just give Dr. Riaz what he wants, a compliant patient who doesn’t fight his wishes? What would I do if I got stressed out again? If I don’t know, maybe I need to go to BMHI. Well, I’m not going to give in, I’m going to run away! Tonight at supper I made my escape.

February 2, 2003

I tried to run away, but Andy the nurse caught me and wouldn’t let me go anywhere – he called a "code green" and security showed up from all over. I was escorted back upstairs and back to the quiet room, where I have been until now. I’ve been arguing with myself about wrapping a sheet around my neck and giving up completely. Then I’ve wondered if I was really here? If this is reality? Until I finally got up and got my bed made and a shower – I hope Kevin calls so I can talk to him. I also want him to bring me some pictures of the boys, too. I had to talk to Norman on the phone – yuck! That was great! He made me cry. Norman was really very nasty to me, and the kids weren’t really very nice either. Kevin told me that I have been in the hospital since November 12! Geez!

February 3, 2003

I talked to my nurse Shannon this a.m., she says that forgetting is called disassociation and it’s common when you have painful events in life. She also said that Dr. Riaz is going to keep BMHI open as an option if I don’t get better, but I shouldn’t let that hinder the progress that I have been making. The same thing I talked to Kevin about last night. I tried to call Dad last night, but got Debbie on the phone – she said she would have him call. I talked to Rodney today, and he still thinks that I am dangerous to myself – and Kevin says I’ll never learn. And maybe I belong in BMHI. Rodney said that my name is getting sent over in a packet, but maybe I will get discharged before I get sent over there. I’m also going to try to get hold of Carol tomorrow to get her opinion.

February 6, 2003

Well, I finally got to talk to Dad; it was okay, he was semi-supportive, but not as as supportive as I would have liked. He said he would call back, but I’m not holding my breath. I never did get hold of Carol, maybe I’ll try again later this afternoon. I’m not fighting Dr. Riaz so much on the BMHI thing – maybe I really I do belong there! But how long would they keep me there? And would it help after the ECTs? Would Kevin come and visit me? (with the boys)? Maybe I should ask Rodney if he can get all of this information for me? Kevin asked me why I wasn’t taking Lithium (because it worked for me) and Dr. Riaz got blood tests and thyroid count, and if they come back good he’s going to start it. I should know today or tomorrow.

Okay – Dr. Riaz says that I can’t start the lithium until I’m in between the ECTs. But all of my blood tests and everything came back great. I also got some very distressing news – Donna is not going to help Kevin with the boys anymore if he is going to stay with me! That is some pretty hard news to swallow – it makes me feel bad. Who does Donna think she is giving Kevin ultimatum like that? And who does Kevin think he is telling me about them? After he told me I went to my room and I wanted to hurt myself – Shannon made me go into the quiet room, where I fell asleep. Later, I went to a doctor’s group – but I wouldn’t give any details to Dr. Riaz or Rodney until we were alone in his (Rodney’s) office–later, if he wants him to know, he will tell Dr. Riaz. It makes me feel second rate, like I’m not "good enough" for Kevin. And I’m not like home fulfilling my duties. But Kevin says it just means I have to get better so I can get home. He’s coming in tomorrow morning for a meeting with Rodney.

February 7, 2003

Kevin came in for a meeting this morning and Dr. Riaz told him that he definately wants to send me to BMHI, they are just waiting for a bed. Dr. Riaz said that I am impulsive and dangerous to myself, and Rodney says that I have used up my maximum lifetime benefits of insurance – so when my medicare bill comes, send them $1. Kelly gave me beautiful flowers for my room – she’s a really good friend. I’ve been in this place a month now, and it looks like I’m going to be here even longer – Rodney said a packet of papers was sent to BMHI on me.

February 9, 2003

I played a few games of BINGO this a.m. and won a tin of Snickers, but have spent the rest of the day in my room reading. Dr. Riaz has started me on the Lithium and stopped the ECTs – I’ve also started my period – Kevin is coming to visit tomorrow and bringing me plugs. I have questions to ask Dr. Riaz tomorrow about BMHI – hopefully he’ll answer them for me.

February 10, 2003

I just had my meeting with Dr. Riaz, he is not going to let me go – he says that I do not deal with stress at home well. He still believes I belong in BMHI – I’m very impulsive and dangerous. He’s increased my lithium, and he’s doing a level on the 13th. He’s also going to have Kevin come in for a meeting tomorrow and talk to him about the fact that I am not ready to go home. I don’t think I handled that well. I shook and evaded his questions. I just had a conversation with Kevin and he said we needed a divorce – because of our insurance – but then he called back and said "no divorce no matter what". I just talked to a woman from BMHI – they sound a whole lot alot like this place – I guess it won’t be so bad. I asked Shannon if they would increase my level so I could go down to the cafeteria for meals – but I told her that I would try to "elope" – because I want "out" of this place BAD. I don’t want to be here any longer, I am buggy, I’ve gotta get out of here! Shannon wants me to write why I feel the need to run away? Because I have to be away – AWAY – away from people who want to say that I am impulsive and dangerous to myself. Yes, I scratched myself this weekend, I had a rough weekend, when will things ever be easy?

Ferbruary 11, 2003

Scratched myself really bad last night, Clinton put bandages over the scratches. Dr. Riaz has prescribed gloves that I can wear at bedtime – I’m gonna try them tonight. Kevin and I spoke on the phone this morning – he says that I am selfish and he doesn’t think that I am ready to be home. He says after ten years he feels that he feels that we have gotten nowhere–why bother even trying to "fix" things? Do I even have a home to go to? I’m trying to get in touch with him so we can have a talk–no luck so far.

I just had a talk with Andy – spoke with him about my visit with Kevin and the boys. It was okay – Kevin is definately going for the divorce–I might as well get myself ready. It’s inevitable. He also thinks that I am losing touch with reality. Am I? He also questioned whether I would overdose on pills again and I said "yes" – so I’m not ready to leave the hospital–which I told Dr. Riaz + Rodney I was earlier this afternoon. They both said "no". I wasn

‘t in any way ready. If I’m not ready in 42 days, when am I ever going to be ready? Is he going to keep me in the hospital forever?