A day or two with Amy Sue

12/9/93

4:58 pm

I was gonna wait until the new year to begin this journal, but I can’t. Trudy says that it’s a compulsiveness that I’ve developed from my childhood. I kept thinking if I had a bigger + better notebook then I could "write" better! But all of my thoughts are in my other book, so will I be able to become "open" in this journal, and what do I do with my other ½ filled journal?

I’m still working on my "mother’s control". I can’t seem to write about it, because my feelings become all enraged + I can’t think of how to describe those feelings. Whenever I think of the subject I begin to really hate her, and I don’t want to hate her, it takes too much energy out of me.

I’m still grappling with my feelings about my husband. I know that I love him, because it hurts to have him angry at me, and when I am hurt or confused I turn to him over anyone else. I TRUST HIM. I guess my problem is that I LOVE my son Aaron, and when I tell him that, I FEEL it. But, with Kevin I don’t feel anything when I say "I love you." I know that everyone says I will feel a different kind of love for my husband then I do for my child–but there’s no feeling I can identify. I know there is a feeling deep inside, because some things still spark DEEP feelings. Tonight Kevin and I made love like a couple of bunnies. It was really nice, not only physically, but also emotionally. I know I felt a "warm" feeling, but I really didn’t think extensively, because I would have lost the mood. It was really like it was on our wedding night. I felt VERY close to my husband, but love? It’s a very confused feeling, and if Aaron hadn’t been born I guess I would be none-the-wiser. What I mean to say is that I thought I knew what love was, and if I didn’t FEEL what I feel for my son, I’d have never known that what I feel for Kevin is a kind of "love" that could hurt him – the same kind of love I grew up with. (Ooh, how smart I am becoming!) In all reality, I guess you could say that I have been "using" Kevin for the past 8 years. Not with ulterior motives mind you, but still in a very inhumane way. I guess I’m starting to see that now, but how do I stop?