11-7-93

11-7-93

It was rough last night. I called the doctor to just have someone to talk to, someone who understood, and it was a little better after we talked. I went in and got the baby, and fed him, and held him, and told him I couldn’t make any promises to him because I didn’t want to break any promises I made to him. Kevin got home last night, and I was still pretty sad, I asked him to stop loving me because I didn’t deserve to be loved. I cried uncontrollably for a couple of minutes, but when Kevin held me and told me it was ok to cry, I stopped – mothers aren’t supposed to cry ya know, they are mean + nasty, and they don’t care about anyone but themselves. I fit the bill pretty good too, I’m selfish–wanting to be away from my own child, crying and feeling like a little kid myself. Oh mom, how you have fucked up my life! Sometimes it feels as if I’m never gonna get through this! What’s therapy gonna do, make me face these problems, and I don’t know if I want to face these problems. I’ve controlled my emotions so good, only letting some of them out when I wanted Kevin to "feel sorry" for me, and now I have no control over how I am feeling, and I don’t want to share it with Kevin, because it makes me feel exposed, confused, very vunerable–I feel like I have to hide how I feel because it "isn’t right". Parellel feelings here: While I was little I would get happy about something and it was either always taken away, or my mother (or Donald) would really put it OR ME down, so I stopped getting happy or excited–but when I cried or was upset it was "wrong." These feelings I am experiencing are stripping away my years – I feel like a little kid again, I don’t get happy because I don’t deserve to be happy, but I’m scared that someone is gonna come along and look down on me because I’m sad. (How’s that for Honesty?!) Or I get over-excited, and 99% of the time I am disappointed. Maybe I set myself up for that.