10-27-93
10-27-93
Still at Eastern Maine. Had a therapist and a psychiatrist in ot see me yesterday. The therapist "Trudy" was really nice person, she’s coming back to speak with me later on today. Dr. Tisher was nice too, although I felt a little intimidated by his presence. The medicine Dr. Buchanon has prescribed "Zoloft" is supposed to help me "be happy." Dr. Tisher said that it will help me control my anger, and keep me from having an emotional breakdown. I guess all that happened in the past, and feelings I had, are paralleling feelings I’m having now. It’s gonna be a long road from here to Sanity. Everybody keeps saying how brave I am for admitting that I needed help, and coming to the hospital, but I don’t feel very brave – I feel inadequate, as a person and a mother. I thought I had control over all of these feelings and it turns out that not only did I not have control, I don’t even know how I am really feeling! So I guess I am also confused. I feel a little lonely too, but I still won’t pick the baby up and cuddle him–as much for him as for me, I want to be able to hold my son and feel the love + joy that I dreamed about.
The psychiatrist wrote in my chart that he was recommending that Donna move out of the house, and just let us be our new family–so last night Kevin went home + told her. I kinda feel a little bad, because it was really hard on Kevin, and it was upsetting to his mother, but over-all I feel tremendous relief. This is a subject I refuse to feel guilty about, because it caused so many bad feelings, and tension, that it wasn’t helping matters any.
(5:43 pm)
Well, Kevin is going to be switched to days for a couple of weeks – until we I get better. Trudy said that would be really helpful. Dr. Buchanon didn’t make it in this morning, so I have no idea what’s going on – I don’t know when I get to go home. So I’m still here until tomorrow, (at least.) Hopefully Dr. Buchanon will stop in tomorrow and let me know what is going on. Almost time to take the anti-depressant–no strange feelings yet = last night I started to get angry at Aaron for just being fussy, but the feeling kinda "fizzled". Progress? Still haven’t really bonded with the baby, but he + I are spending more and more time together, and I’m getting to know him. Kevin came to visit earlier, and talked to the therapist and asked some questions. He went to have supper at his father’s house and then he is coming for a visit when he is done. Marie (my day nurse) took Aaron for a little walk, and weighed him in the nursery, and he weighs 8 pounds and 14 ounces! Almost 9 pounds! Aaron was supposed to have his 2-week check-up today, but I called the office, and they told me to make an appointment after I get out of the hospital. It’s almost time to feed my "little man", so I’d better close for now.
(7:25 pm)
Well, Dr. Buchanon was in, and she said either tomorrow or Friday Aaron & I can go home. She also said that both she + Dr. Tisher strongly believe that Donna being around is bad for me. She wants to talk to Kevin tonight to tell him that Donna has to move out before I go home and she isn’t even supposed to visit. Nobody is supposed to be around me unless they are "approved". Dr. Tisher also said that he thinks I need to see a therapist 3x’s a week – INTENSE THERAPY – they call it. Everyone seems to think that the reason I can’t "bond" with Aaron is because my feelings and memories are in the way. They say his birth somehow triggered all those things that I thought I had buried.