10-26-93
10-26-93
Feeling better. I don’t know if it’s because I am here, or because of the pill they gave me last night, or because I’m getting support. Last night Aaron was fussy again, and instead of yelling or getting frustrated, I picked him up and put him in bed with me–and about 30-45 minutes later he was asleep. This morning I rocked and sang to him, and talked to him while I was feeding him. I’m not saying everything is all better, and miraculously cured–but it’s getting better. Dr. Buchanon said something last night about if I kept feeling this way that for Aaron’s safety maybe I would consider putting him in a foster home, and I told her that Kevin would never allow it – he had a hard time letting us come to the hospital for a few days! Dr. Buchanon is supposed to come in later this morning, and I’m gonna ask her to make sure she won’t go ahead with the idea without my permission–which she won’t get. I don’t Aaron taken away, and I want to make sure she knows that.
Kevin came to visit this morning, and he stayed for a couple of hours and fed the baby and held him. He’s gone home to sleep for awhile, and he’s coming back later this afternoon. We talked about his mother, and he’s gonna ask her to leave, he just doesn’t know how. He says he doesn’t understand how I feel, but he understands that it is causing a problem between us. At least we’ve gotten that far. Kevin asked me to think about letting her stay until after Christmas–and I told him that if she doesn’t go, the baby and I are going to move out until after X-mas. I feel like Donna is "intruding" in our home, in our lives. When we (Aaron + I) first got home she called herself Mama instead of Grandma and that started my bad feelings. When she took Aaron’s thumb out of his mouth when I told her it wasn’t hurting anything – when she said I wan’t feeding him enough – when she watched me like a hawk when I changed his diaper–it all just built up, and I really don’t want her there anymore. I’ve gotten so I can’t stand to let her hold him! The only time she gets to hold him is when Kevin is watching him. I mean, he’s MY baby, and she likes to sick her 2¢ in everywhere! Kevin thinks I am over-reacting, but if he really loves me and wants to support me, he will respect how I feel about this.
Having a baby is nothing like I thought it would be! It’s very hard. I guess when I was pregnant I dreamed way beyond reality, and made everything beautiful and wonderful–but it’s nothing like my dreams. Or my visions. I’ve always wanted a baby, so I can’t understand why I feel the way I do! I talked to Kevin about how much I was scared that I was gonna be a mother like mine, and how much I would love my child so much–and I would never hurt him, and if I got out of hand, to let me know. I didn’t realize I would have to go to the hospital because of a mental problem. Psychiatric Admittance, that’s what Dr. Buchanon called it. and I wonder if it will ever go away, or if I will feel this way forever! Dr. Buchanon says the anti-depressants balance out the chemicals in my brain, and help rid me of the sadness. I’m also gonna see a psychiatrist to get an evaluation and hopefully start counselling that I can keep with until all this shit is resolved.
(11:17am)
Dr. Buchanon was here this a.m. and she said that she wouldn’t steal Aaron away–unless I was so far gone I didn’t know what was going on (which I’m not) and I told her that she kinda shocked me into telling myself I really care for this baby. I had him on the bed earlier, just playing with him, and it was a start.