10/15/1994

I have to be going to bed soon, bcause K is tired, and I’d like to be intimate with him before he goes to sleep. (In other words I want to "fuck his brains out!")

I got the job at Ames, I start training Tuesday afternoon. YES! I’ll write about it later, I have more pressing things on my mind; today we got a "foreclosure" note on the house, if we don’t come up with $750 before 30 days is up, we’re gonna lose the trailor. K isn’t all that rattled about it, but I’m scared, where will we go if we are kicked out? I will NEVER ever live on the street again – that was a terrifying experience, and now I have a little one to think about.

10/16/94

K & I aren’t getting along right now. I told him that I wanted to speak to his mother about something: when Aaron wakes up at night, she gives him a bottle, and rocks him back to sleep! Aaron slept just fine when he was in there all alone, he’s just not used to sharing his space with someone. I really dislike him getting bottles at night to pacify him, and he’s just being spoiled by being rocked to sleep, Bcause once mil is gone, who is going to do the "dirty work"? So, tonight I am gonna speak to her and let her know that I want it to stop, now. I don’t know why it fills me with such dread, bcause Aaron is my son, and if she really cares for me, as she says she does, she will respect how I want him cared for, right? I haven’t had one, single complaint about how Aaron is cared for by her, but this is one thing I feel strongly about. K was pissed bcause he asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn’t want to talk, so he hasn’t spoken to me since. It doesn’t even bother him that we are very close to losing our home! And what happens if we do? Where in the hell do 3 homeless people go? I am scared about being out on the street again–I’d really die first!

Tomorrow I have to go to R’s and talk to B. I was going to ask her if she wanted to work around my schedule at Ames, but K said he didn’t me to do much driving in the winter. So, I guess I have to tell B I can’t work for X-mas. After I bugged her and bugged her for a job–now I have to go in and let her down.

10/17/94

I spoke to B.O today, and she was pretty understanding, she also didn’t want to work around my schedule at Ames. She said she had done it for other people in the past, and she really didn’t want to do it this year. I tried to find out a definate date for when I stop working at D.N.H. but S was pretty tight-lipped about it. She actually doesn’t know, bcause B.B hasn’t told anyone when she plans to come back. When I was hired, on 8-29-94, S said that B.B was coming back on 11-7-94; well, that date is 3 weeks away, and I still don’t know what day I will get done! I told S today that if B.B hasn’t spoken to her by Friday, I’m gonna tell Ames that November 7 is my last day. She went into a big spiel about how she was counting on me, and she & I had an understanding, and if I leave before B.B comes back, then I was breaching my contract. First off, I was hired until Nov. 7, and second, I never signed ANY "contract". I told her that I had to have a date for Ames, and she said (and I quote) "Well, honey, that’s not my problem." Ames WILL take priority over D.N.H., simply bcause it will (or is) my permanent job–so, as long as I work at least until the 7th, I will have followed through. Yes, I did say I would stay if B.B took a few x-tra weeks, but that was before I had a 2nd job. All I can say is that D.N.H. hadn’t better interfere with Ames, or it’s a done deal. Tomorrow I start working at Ames 2:30-7:00 p.m. I’m pretty excited about it, I love to cashier, so I know I’ll like the job.I also called Trudy tonight, and made an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9:00. I feel I need that support once again, I know it’s all falling to pieces again, and I feel I need to do something about it before it begins to take control of my life. It’s hard, bcause I’ve been doing so well, my life became normal and routine. (Boy was that a loaded statement!) Sometimes I wish I could just sit down & not think about anything! The only time I’m not thinking is when I’m sleeping. I’d just like a break from my head! K told me not to worry about the house, but I can’t stop, it’s just my nature.