10/02/1994

6:51 pm

Still at D.N.H. 4½ weeks.

I spoke to mil last night, and "reoffered" to let her live w/us for awhile. She’s unsure – of me, and of what she wants. Apparently there’s a man she’s "involved" with, but he’s married, and just as confused as she is. She’s due to arrive in 5 days, so we shall see.

My little boy is going to be 1 year old in a week and ½, I want to do a "party" for him, but I’m not sure how to go about it, and if we can afford it. Tomorrow I am taking Aaron w/me to Newport and I’m gonna look for some b-day "stuff" and a pepsi bottle & bags.

K keeps saying that he is going to buy me the journal that I want into Staples. The book costs $25, so that’s a "BIG" present – besides, k just bought me a wedding band–on Thursday he was supposedly going to put a band and a diamond on layaway, but he surprised me with the band. I know I’ve said this before; but it hasn’t (and won’t) leave my finger (until Jan. 1998). K said as soon as the diamond is paid for, I can have it. He’s kissed my ring numerous times.

Today I ripped my pants at work, so I could get a new pair of pants–and when I finally admitted it to K, he was quite "understanding". He says it’s a stage that everyone goes through, I’m just 10 years too late!

October 4, 1994

2:35 pm

I spoke to B today, and she said she definately wants my help for X-mas–but I might be at D.N.H. a few extra weeks, so B agreed that, should I be at the nursing home, she’ll schedule me nights until I’m done there. Maybe, if things work out right, I’ll get a job at R’s. I talked it over w/K, and I’m not gonna apply for any more jobs until I see if mil is staying or if K is going to get a job nights again. Finding a babysitter is extremely hard, so, until I’m SURE, I’m not even gonna bother. It’s really hard not knowing sometimes if C will be able to watch Aaron or not–it’s very stressful. The other night K & I got into an argument/discussion about staying in the trailor, or moving to a little house a few miles closer to Bangor. I want the latter, K is feeling "nostalgic" about this place, I feel no attachments or sentiments. I don’t know why, I’ve lived here for over 2 years and I got pregnant here–but I still don’t feel "at home" here. But maybe I’ll never feel at home anywhere! But IN MY HEART I yearn for a little house with trees in the yard, and my own touches.

You’ll never guess what I found out today – L & B are getting a divorce! They’ve only been married for 4 months, and she’s only lived w/him for 1 month! I’m tickled pink! I’ve always disliked L, and now she’s gotten exactly what she deserved! I wonder what she’s gonna do? She has no job, a 15 month old baby, and she has to live with her parents in a dinky and cramped trailor! I guess the story goes that B just couldn’t handle living with L, so on Saturday he told her he wanted a divorce, and while he was at work on Monday, she packed up her shit and left – and now she is telling people B is an asshole. I <3 it!