05/25/1994

2:25 pm

Trudy returned my call this a.m., and she said it was fine if I felt I needed to see her regularly again. I had the weirdest dream, and I can’t really recall it all, but it seems crystal clear to me. It had to do with Maret, Bambi, Donald, me (of course) and Kevin/Donna in a dual role. And a man, who I felt was Donald Williams, but looked faceless, and his body structure was, well, magnificent (from the back) all I saw in my dream was his BACK. But he was tall, and had dark hair. Towards the tail-end of my dream, I remember looking out of MY picture window and seeing my mother and a police car drive into MY driveway. The police were only there for a collection of overdue library fine, but I saw it as my chance to reveal my plight – and when I asked the officers if I could speak to them alone, I remember Maret shooting me a death glare! So I walked down to the road, and as I was trying to figure out a way to tell my story without sounding absurd, they turned around and accused me! No words seem to have been spoken, but the gesture was in their attitude, and actions; I seem to remember being pushed into a ditch (strangely resembling the ditch I had dug earlier for my flower garden) but then I woke up.

Maret’s been invading alot of my dreams lately, and so has my ex. ?

I cannot understand this sudden obsession, now, when my life is coming together great – and I feel so good about things, but I guess it’s not thoroughly out of my system. I’m not consciously thinking of Maret or letting her bother me, but she/it is.

I’m also not so close to Kevin anymore – I’m getting back into being irritable and cranky when he tries to get close. I so enjoyed that "close" time we had, not only close "cuddling" etc…..but I also felt exquisite about our lovemaking – now; I really could care less/I’d even prefer not to have sex, the pain seems to have crept up on me again–will this battle ever end?!

Kevin & I have been doing yardwork, yesterday after work I mowed the lawn, and dug myself a flower garden, and planted Mums (yellow & orange) and 3 different colors of Petunias – white/purple striped, pink, and dark purple. My own little garden, and I have high hopes for it this summer! I’ve never had my own garden, or done my own work, and a feeling of pride goes along with it.

*edit*

8/24/95 – had a small garden of sunflowers this summer.

3:45 pm

I just called Aunt Carol + spoke to her, I had an urge to speak to her, and I followed it through. Just keeping lines of communication open I guess. Besides I know Aunt Carol likes to know how we are doing. I told her we would be visiting sometime this coming summer.

Aunt Carol says that she hasn’t heard from my mother or my sister Donna, but Dickie was supposed to build a roof for Grandma + Grandpa, and Maret begged off, saying her husband has a "lung infection". I wonder what she’s gonna do when the bastard dies?

5:20 pm

This job is really getting monotonous! It’s so boring + dull here, that just being here and doing nothing drains you. Alright, yes, it’s a "cream of the crop" job: No boss to look over my shoulder, I can wear anything that I want, I can watch movies and read books, but the boredom is a real turn-off – I come here day in and day out (for 4 months now) and I don’t feel like I have accomplished anything here. But I would be a fool to give up a job the it is around here – jobs are scarce – especially ones that are so close to home, and offer so much freedom at such a good rate of pay. Never fear, I don’t intend to quit, the would be just plain asinine of me–but, hey, if the job was perfect, you’d know something was drastically wrong! Anyway, I’d better hold my tongue, ’cause if this store lasts over the next 2 or 3 months it will be a miracle. Business really sucks, we didn’t even take in enough to make payroll this week! Well, I’ve jumped onto this boat, and I’ll stay on it until my head hits water!

Kevin is angry with me because I chose to wear just my diamond, and not the silver ring.

(I guess that angry was an understatement!) Kevin was pissed! But I guess he was hurt too.

What the hell is the difference if you wear a ring or not, or if you’re married or not? If you love each other, and you’re together, isn’t that enough to be happy?!

I think along with my feelings being hurt about Bambi reacting the way she did when she saw me, is what I missed when I was growing up – love.

7:15 pm

Fiddley-fuck that I am, I just asked Kevin something that hurt him way down deep inside. I asked him if he and I could get a legal divorce, but continue to live + raise Aaron together? I don’t know where I got such an outrageous idea, but it appeals to me – not really "appeals", but I feel somehow it would take a "responsibility" off my shoulders. No, PRESSURE is the word that I am looking for. But, what pressure Amy? Seeing the look of grief + deep hurt on Kevin’s face and his tears, broke my heart – I did that to him! That’s the first time that Kevin’s feelings and hurt caused me to "THINK" about what I was doing + saying! I wish I could go back in certain points of my 23 years, and change something I said or did! Especially all of the hurt that I have put Dearest Kevin through. How can I ever make-up on 8½ years of cruelty + bitchiness? "Sorry" just doesn’t seem to CUT it!

Kevin doesn’t seem to be home, and he left over 20 minutes ago! I hope he’s all right! If he doesn’t answer the phone within another 15 or 20 minutes, I’m closing the store, and going to look for him. If I drove him to do something stupid, I’ll never forgive myself!

I’m gonna ask Trudy if I can see her on Friday morning – I really need to talk. I’m really pissed at myself, for letting go of "normalcy" so easily, and for hurting Kevin, who never did anything but get in the path of a destructive psycho! It hurts to lose all that I gained in the past month, and I can’t do a damned thing about it!