01/07/2003

THESE ARE ENTRIES THAT I WROTE WHILE I WAS IN THE PSYCH HOSPITAL…..

January 7, 2003

I’ve been in the hospital for 6 days and have got exactly nothing accomplished. Yesterday Rodney told me that it looked good that I would get the priviledge of going to my room and maybe a level raise (actually he said that on Friday, too) but by the time we got to my "family meeting" at 3:00 in the afternoon, it was decided that I wasn’t getting either one. Dr. Riaz said it was bcause some of the nurses said that they felt that I was still "high risk" – but if I made a safety plan, maybe we would "revisit" it again. So I made the safety plan last night, and gave it to him at our meeting this morning, he said it was good. But, by this afternoon, my TEAM had decided that I was still unsafe and a risk, so no priviledges and no level raise. I asked Rodney about it, and I almost cried, telling him that they were giving me nothing to "hope" for, nothing to "work" for. Then I came in the t.v. room and cried. Got VERY depressed – felt like I wanted to run away and die. I couldn’t call Kevin bcause I knew that he would just call the nurses, and I’d be damned if I was going to talk to talk to any of those nurses. Well, I was talking to Larry on the bench in the hall when Dr. Riaz walked by – I asked him if my blue papers were up and he said that we had already talked about that this morning (which we had) and I told him that I wanted to sign voluntary bcause I wanted to leave – he suggested we talk in the music room. He came in and told me that he had 5 minutes – I told him I wanted to leave – he said I couldn’t – I said why? – he said bcause of my "history" (?) of trying to commit suicide when I get out of the hospital and he didn’t think that Kevin wouldn’t agree to having me home unsafe – I said I didn’t say I wanted to go home, I said I wanted to leave – I said that you people won’t even let me go to my room to pick up a book or a paper of a puzzle book – he said that he wouldn’t be manipulated or bargained with – I raised my voice and said I want to leave – he said that he would get another Dr’s opinion – I said I wanted to leave – he said he was blue papering me, the conversation was over, and he left. On a different note, I am starting ECTs tomorrow. I met with Mike – who attends every procedure – Dr. Miller, who is one of the Dr’s who does the procedure and who prescribed anti-anxiety meds (one by mouth @ 6:00 a.m. and one by shot if I’m still anxious before the procedure) and I had an EKG done, too. I’m a little nervous about it, but it’s gonna be done, and hopefully I will feel better when it’s over.