What’s Going On?

I have no idea what’s going on in my brain lately. I’m verging towards manic but with a touch of anxiety. My temper flares over nothing and everything. My mom would say I’ve got my Irish up.

My body hasn’t been helping. I’ve been ravenously hungry the last few days and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing has changed particularly about my eating habits, but I feel like I’m constantly starving. It was even sharp enough to keep me awake a couple nights ago. It’s like having a tapeworm or something. Alan thinks it’s because we haven’t had much in the way of protein for dinner lately, but that’s not it, not really. There have been plenty of periods in my life where I’ve subsisted on even less substantial fare. Just because we’ve been having pasta for dinner a lot doesn’t mean I’m malnourished. I’ve had protein, carbs, fiber, fat… I don’t know why I’m still starving.

We had dinner at Captain Souza’s house down in Fountain. Their house is lovely and I really like both Cassie and Tim. They’re funny and fun to be around, even if Tim has a small personal arsenal of assault weapons in his basement. While we were there, Sgt. Norbeck told us that it’s 99% certain that the unit’s deployment is going to be pushed back about 14 months. AND they’re going to a 9-month deployment schedule. It’s great news, of course, but it’s a mixed blessing. Obviously, it changes a lot of plans to tack on another year or more to the time they’re home. Most notably, it means that Alan (and therefore I) could get PCS’ed to a new duty station. With only 8 months before deployment, they wouldn’t have moved him. But now they very well could. And if he gets reassigned, he could end up in a unit that’s already deployed or about to. And then I’d be stuck someplace brand fucking new, potentially thousands of miles from my family and friends, in a place I could very well hate, worrying about pretty much everything.

Admittedly, I don’t particularly like Colorado Springs, but we’ve been here a year now and there is a certain feeling of safety to it, because I do know a few people out here. There are also some resources I haven’t needed yet, but could theoretically call on. Erin knows a couple Army families stationed out here that she could put me in touch with. My friend Erica’s aunt, who is not much older than us, lives in Castle Rock; and my dad’s racing student lives in Denver. Washington or Kansas or Texas wouldn’t be quite the same. I wouldn’t mind if we got stationed somewhere in the Northeast. I’d like Europe too. Even if Alan deployed right away, I think wandering around Europe on my own would still be a lot of fun.

My dad was in Denver for a few days this past week. He used to coach ski racing and his best student lives out here for the snow of course. Aaron’s about my age, maybe a year older, and he’s getting married. Well, since he’s Jewish and his fiancee’s Lutheran, they asked my dad to officiate. Pretty crazy. So he came out here to figure out a ceremony for them. On Tuesday he drove down from Denver and took me to lunch and we spent some time in the afternoon going over the basic order of the ceremony and which traditions to include and which to alter to appeal to both families. It was actually pretty entertaining. It’s nice to be able to write and know that what I’ve written will actually be heard and appreciated by someone other than myself.

I’ve been running on the treadmill lately. It’s not my usual form of exercise and it’s a good change. I think tomorrow I may drag Alan up to the pool and show him how to swim properly. He never really learned so his form is painfully awkward and he’s always exhausted after they do swimming for PT. Hopefully if I can give him some tips, he won’t be so miserable and wiped out. I’ve always been a water baby.

I’m glad I finished Tropic of Cancer. It was a bit exhausting. Not only is stream-of-consciousness hard to follow, it tends to work me up. Maybe with some solid narrative I can calm down a bit.

I’ve been all kinds of hot and bothered lately. And Alan… not at all. Aside from being disappointing, it feels all backwards. I’m so used to the guy being the sexual aggressor that I forget that they can have things on their minds too. I think what we both need is a break. Some fun. Or at least some wine.

~Liz

P.S. This is making me happy today: