We Must Never Ever Be Boring

I have to admit, I am definitely not coping well these days.

It hit around Sunday, maybe Saturday afternoon, after I got home from Angelique’s and shopping and such. I was just so exhausted then that it’s hard to tell. The problem is that it hasn’t really let up since. So I’ll just say it – I’m depressed.

I don’t know if it’s situational and perfectly legitimate either. I suspect not, because while it’s normal to sad when your husband is gone for a month, it’s not normal to be this numb. Or to burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Or to face the day with dread. And I am definitely experiencing all of those things.

And I don’t like it. I haven’t had any major episodes since I went off medication last year. And at the moment I can’t recall that I had any while I was on medication either. At least, not when I was on the lamotrigine. I might have had some rough patches, but they had more to do with what was going on in my life than anything else. So after six years, this is not a welcome feeling. Not even close.

Mostly it’s scary. I’m not worried that I’ll hurt myself or that I’ll stop eating or showering or feeding the cats. The little part of me that’s still "me" can force those things to get done. What I am worried about is what else could happen. If I’m having depression that lasts more than a day, then there’s really nothing to say that the opposite won’t happen. It’s the mania and the mixed episodes that frighten me. Hypomania isn’t so bad. I get a lot done and feel really productive. But it only seems to pave the way for the mixed episodes. And I really hate them. The fear, the edginess, the constant sensation that I’m going to explode. And the hallucinations. Those are bad.

I just don’t know how to deal with that by myself. I’ve never had to. Alan has been with me from the very start and he’s seen me at my worst. He’s protected me from myself in ways I don’t think either of us is fully aware of. So what happens to me if something like this starts? How do I stop it? Is it pathetic that I don’t even know?

I think the worst part is that I have no idea who I could call. It’s one thing to have a support network to cope with the vicissitudes of life during deployments, life in the military. This is something so different. I know that if anything were to happen, I would have to call 911 and get myself to the hospital. Rationally, I’m aware of the necessity of that step. But who do I tell? Who do I call and ask to come feed my cats while I’m in the psych ward? It’s really not something I’ve ever thought about before… or even something I needed to think about. I had Alan. And when I didn’t, when he was at Basic and AIT, I could call my parents or Zach or Lisa and they’d do it. But no one out here even knows I have an illness. It’s not like it’s something I mention at parties, after all. It’s just that suddenly I feel very isolated and alone and frightened.

My computer is having a shit fit. I’ve got some kind of crazy virus and it’s at the point where I can’t even open Firefox to search for a solution. It’s going to take $200-300 to take it to the Geek Squad over at Best Buy and have them fix everything for me. Luckily, Alan made me save my old laptop when we got new ones a couple years ago. I think he intended to use it as a sort of external hard drive to store movies and music. Well, it may be eight years old, but it still runs well enough to allow me to get online until I get the other one fixed. I won’t be able to take it in until Monday because that’s when Alan gets paid again. I haven’t tried, but it should allow me to continue working on my NaNoWriMo novel as well. I had just caught up when my computer took a swan dive into the pavement, so yesterday was a wash. Now I’m behind again. Still, I’m glad I have this ancient thing. If I didn’t I’d be even more isolated and cut off from the world. Wouldn’t that be fun?

I got my dress yesterday. It’s too big in the straps, something that happens a lot to me. Apparently my boobs are just higher than average? But it’s an easy fix and once I do that everything else fits perfectly. I will be adding a modesty panel though. It’s lower cut than I thought. Luckily I found the perfect ribbon at JoAnn’s yesterday. And Alan’s Christmas present should be here by Saturday. I suppose those are good things. Still doesn’t stop the random bursts of crying though.

~Liz