NoJoMo Anyone?

Day 1

I don’t think I have it in me to do NaNoWriMo this year. It’s been ages since I even attempted it, but lately I do feel like I need something for me. I think a big part of why this place doesn’t feel like home is all the compromises I’ve had to make in terms of how I use my space. We only have two bedrooms and no personal outside space (we have a place for the kids to play, but it’s common space). So for the first time since Pippa was a baby, I didn’t make their costumes for Halloween. I just didn’t have the space to leave things out while IZ was working on them. We painted pumpkins, but had nowhere to put them. I had no space to decorate. All summer I had no place to grow things. I didn’t realize how much I missed that. How important that is to me until now. It’s part of my holidays and a way I mark the seasons. And it just really got to me yesterday. I realized that it’s a huge part of why this place doesn’t feel like home yet. On paper, there’s nothing objectionable about it. I don’t even really mind the smaller space and I do like the layout. But it lacks the ability for me to fully occupy the space and make it really mine.

I feel like I’m just living in a little cassette that’s been slotted into place with no indication that it’s really any different than any of the other little cassettes in the building.

Halloween, aside from my blue cat blues, was pretty good. We dressed up and took the girls trick or treating at the condominiums down the street. I didn’t love having to walk that street in the dark – it’s bad enough walking on the way to and from school during the day – but it was worth it. The neighborhood itself has a bunch of kids and it’s well-lit and easy to walk. Two of Pippa’s classmates actually live there, and a couple other kindergarteners, as well as other families I recognize from the walk to school. The girls got a good bit of candy and snacks. The first place we went to was actually passing out full-sized candy bars, so that was awesome. There’s also a house down the street from our actual neighborhood that’s clearly a bit of a local draw. They decorated like crazy and the owner had a table set up with tons of goodie bags. There were a bunch of cars too, like people had driven from other neighborhoods especially to go to this house.

Today I’m keeping things quiet. One thing I’ve found about our situation is that I don’t recover as quickly from events. I’m an introvert and times spent out and interacting require a certain amount of recovery time at home. But since I don’t really feel at home here, I don’t really recover either. It’s not restful and soothing the way I feel home should be. I don’t know if I can get through another two and a half years this way. I wonder if there’s any way to put some kind of alert to see if any condos come on the market at the place down the road. Not that we can buy a house right now or anytime soon. But I find myself wishing we could, even though I don’t have any desire to live here permanently. At least it would have a deck. I feel like that would go such a long way improving my situation.

~Liz