Feelin’ Groovy

I’ve been 27 years old for a full 24 hours now. Closer to 34, if you want to be all technical about it. It doesn’t feel much different from 26. But isn’t that what we always say? Whenever anyone asks the birthday celebrant how it feels to be such-and-such an age, they always respond that it’s no different than the day before. Because it doesn’t. Change doesn’t happen over night, obviously, so it’s really not until a person looks back and sees that even though 27 was no different from 26 was no different from 25 was no different from 24, etc. there is a world of difference between 27 and 17. And even though I’m not sure I feel so very 27, I definitely don’t feel 17 and that’s a good thing.

Alan was my first phone call of the day on Friday, which is all the more impressive when you remember that he’s in Arizona and two hours behind me here in Connecticut. He called before 6:30 am EST, which means it wasn’t even 4:30 there. My mom was second by about an hour. Zach called around 6 pm, which I thought was nice. I mean, all my friends left me birthday wishes on Facebook. He’s the only person that called other than my parents and Alan, and he really didn’t have to. I’m not sure how strong a claim sister-in-law really is. I’ve never been one before. ~_^ I’m also not sure how good a sister-in-law I really am, given that I tend to cast Zach in some of my darker, more daring sexual fantasies. The somewhat deviant kind. Overshare, I know, but still true. I don’t know why him in those scenarios and not one of the other guys who spin around my thoughts, including Alan. I think I see Z as more that type. He and I both have a darker side I think. Alan has a dark side too, don’t get me wrong, but it’s less… I don’t know… hardcore? His dark side is more serious punk. Mine is more Marilyn Manson. Seriously, the Marilyn Manson version of "Sweet Dreams" gets my heart and libido racing every time. I’m just weird like that.

LOL… What was I talking about before that little side trip into my imaginary sex life? My birthday, right? I suppose the subjects are linked, birth being a direct result of sex and all. Anyway, aside from the snow, my birthday was good. It snowed, as it always does. I was telling my mom that I couldn’t remember a year it didn’t snow on my birthday except for my freshman year at college when it was ridiculously warm out. Apparently it was also ridiculously warm the year I was born. My friend Stefanie responded to my query of why it always snowed by telling me that snow is rain in its party clothes, which I think is pretty awesome, actually. My friend Liz from Road’s End Farm said it had something to do with it being February in Connecticut. Yes, it snow in February in CT, but why always specifically on the 26th? Anyway, the snow kept things pretty quiet at work, which was nice. Six of the twelve toddlers we had in the whole program were from my class. It did make things drag a bit though, since we all just wanted to go home. My favorite kids got picked up pretty early too, between 3 and 3:30ish. Including Elizabeth, whose parents both came to get her, which annoyed me a little. I like her dad, but I talk to him less when her mom is there too. And even though he picked up on Thursday, he came so early that things were too hectic to talk. Thursday’s pick-up was really cute. I was reading books to keep the kids occupied before snack while Gina changed diapers. I had "How Do Dinosaurs Say I Love You?" and Elizabeth was settled in my lap, as usual. Dad kind of snuck in, so I heard the door open, but it wasn’t a big thing. I saw him in the mirror, but Elizabeth didn’t. I kept reading and by the time I was finished, all the kids in front of me were looking up at her dad except for Elizabeth, who was stilled engrossed in the dinosaurs. I honestly can’t tell if I think he’s genuinely attractive, or if he’s cuter because I think his daughter rocks. But I am attracted to him. I’m not sure it isn’t at least a little mutual. For one thing, he tends to talk more and seem more open with me when his wife isn’t with him. More eye contact too. I’m keeping a mental tally of all the times I see Mom as opposed to Dad on my late days. After all, I need something to keep me occupied with the opposite sex.

I actually had a dream last night that I think had a lot to do with this guy. I can’t remember any coherent narrative, but it was all the same dream. At one point I was in my kitchen and I saw this tan spider on the floor. I went to get a box to squish it with, but when I came back there were two more and I just watched them crawl up the box. At another point, it was night time and Karma was outside. I went to get her and found a big group of lionesses in my yard and driveway. I jumped in my car and rolled down the window and called to Karma. She leapt through the window and I pulled out of the driveway in a hurry and started off down the road. But I couldn’t help turning around and going back to see all the lions. I remember the glow of their eyes in the headlights. So why do I think this has anything to do with this particular dad? Firstly, the colors. He’s got light hair, sort of a strawberry blond color… same as the spiders and the lions. Also, the fact that even though these are animals that I perceived as a threat, I also found myself fascinated by them. I watched the spiders, I turned around to see the lions again. Being attracted to him is dangerous, but also intriguing. The number of spiders seems significant. Three. A messy love triangle? And the lionesses. In a pride of lions, they’re the ones doing the hunting. Do I see myself as a predator? I’m not sure. I do feel like his wife is a little threatened, or maybe that’s just my perception. It’s my dream, after all. But for awhile it seemed like I was only ever seeing Dad at pick-up time, but shortly after I noticed the trend, I suddenly only saw Mom until just this past week. It may also be significant that one male lion has many mates. I don’t know. I do know that after a dream that ostensibly had nothing to do with him, I woke up thinking about him. Definitely significant.

Gah! I’m so pathetic. All I do in fantasize about completely inappropriate or unavailable, unattainable, always off-limits men. And maybe that’s all right, but sometimes it feels like I’m walking a very fine line in terms of upsetting Alan. Being so far away, he’s been really jealous over every little thing, including interestingly enough, a guy who lives about 5 minutes away from him in Arizona. How crazy is that one? Although, to be fair, I think he’s always been a little jealous of him. Really, the odds are, that if Alan was home, while I might be having these fantasies, they would probably be so far in the back of my head that I would never even give them a second thought. It’s all this sexual frustration coupled with some decidedly unromantic, practical views on marriage. Anyway it’s way past my bedtime, especially if I want to get up for my first yoga class tomorrow.

~Liz

PS… I was watching "Dirty Dancing" and all those evening-in-summer scenes have me craving warmer weather. I could practically taste the summer air and feel the cool dampness of night on my skin. Want. Summer. NOW.