Faithless

I wonder sometimes if infidelity could be genetic. Are some people just programmed to roam? Or are all people programmed to roam, and some of them are just better than others at mastering their baser drives?

Human beings occupy an interesting place on the continuum of monogamy. We’ve managed to find a place that can’t be at all comfortable, somewhere between remaining with a single partner and having as many partners as possible. We are designed to remain monogamous just long enough to bear a child and raise it to a reasonable level of independence, around 7 or 8 years old. Incidentally, it was once right around that age that a person would take on an adult role within a community, learning the skills needed for a trade. There were no adolescents, no "tweens." Just children and adults. I’m not saying that nine-year-olds went around getting married, but they could work towards their own support and sustenance. Surely it’s no coincidence that human beings remain faithful up to about the same point before they begin to stray. It’s not called "the seven-year itch" for nothing.

My grandfather was terribly unfaithful to all of his several wives and girlfriends. My aunt’s been married three times. Even my dad, who loathes anything that seems to link him to his own father, has cheated on my mom.

Did I mention that Alan and I have been together just about eight years? I’m worried about what might happen while Alan is gone, as I worry whenever he’s gone.

It’s not that I don’t love him or that I’m bored with him or that I’m not sexually attracted to him. He’s my best friend and the person I want to tell my stories to at the end of the day. He makes me laugh and he’s amazing in bed.

What I’m craving isn’t even sex. It’s the first flush of lust and attraction. The gradual moving towards one another, unsure, until the inevitable happens. I’m a born flirt and an excellent judge of chemistry and connection. So when I feel that connection to someone, it’s hard not to give in to the urge to have a little fun with it.

There’s no harm in flirting. I know that. Hell, Alan knows it too, which is why he’s not threatened by it. I don’t make it a point to do it under his nose though.

What there is harm, danger even, in doing is moving into closer contact with someone with whom you have a great deal of chemistry and connection. And that is the danger I face. With Alan deployed, where is that check to keep things strictly in the theoretical realm? It has to be entirely internal, a matter of will-power. And I’m notoriously weak-willed.

Confession time.

I’ve had occasion to think about other men during sex. It’s never been an issue, probably because I’m not a name-caller, but it makes me feel like I have a wonderfully dark secret.

I seriously doubt that I would ever have sex with a new man while I was married to Alan. But I can’t be so certain that I wouldn’t engage in some kissing and heavy petting. And serious flirting as well. I’m terribly vain and love to know that I’m desired.

I know I said I would wait a couple days between entries, but this one has been percolating in my brain for the last 24 hours or so. I just got home from vacation and less than two days later Alan gets shipped out to a field training exercise. I’m a bit, erm, frustrated, to say the least.

~Liz

PS – If anyone’s keeping track, I’d like Ben Barnes for Christmas. ::swoon!::