Of Which I Have Learned Nothing

Excitement. Hope. Wishful thinking. The future.

These are the things, for me, that I begin to think about, or are always thinking about, at the beginning of any new relationship. In a previous, now deleted, entry, I spoke about a trip I took to the Philippines in December. And throughout all the monotonous bullshit talking about day to day activities, or sometimes the lack thereof, I spoke in great length about this beautiful, awesome, funny, caring, sweet girl I happened to meet. We hung out a few times, really hit it off and the day before I left, we added each other to Facebook – because 2013. (at the time) That’s how it seems to go. Exchanging phone numbers isn’t really an option because of being in different countries, texts, calls and the like are expensive to do on a constant basis. So, in this generations version of Skynet where we are controlled by anything but traditional means, that’s how people across great distances stay in touch. But we decided to keep in touch. Things started to pick up and started to get serious and before it did, is where I fucked up.

I am one that can openly and honestly admit if I fuck something up, and this is something I fucked up almost right from the start. How I fucked up is that I failed to take something into account. I talked about it with my "I won’t bullshit you" confidant, Amy, but when it would have been most prevalent to say, the excitement of the moment on this train ride back from London on January 4th of us both deciding to be together and try to make something work long distance got to me, and I didn’t ask something that would be so vital to think about later on, that it became our downfall so quickly.

I said I fucked up. This was 100% my call and my decision to give up on something that could have been so great, that i broke the heart of someone so wonderful and hurt someone that in a very short amount of time, I came to care so much about. And in my head, I cared so much that I couldn’t put off a simple question any longer that should have been asked before anything else.

"Do you want kids?"

And of course she did. I already knew the answer. It was a no-brainer in my book, because I’ve known tons of Filipino’s over the years and every one of them that I have met and talked to and really got to know, family is important.

But, here is the thing – I don’t.

Admittedly I have gone back and forth on the idea quite a few times, but for me, I have decided that kids are not in my future. And I had to tell her that. I had to sit there zombie-like (it was 4am my time at the time) and tell this girl that despite all you have thought about in your life about getting married and having a kid and having a family, I can’t give you that. That enormous piece of life’s puzzle that a vast majority of people do, whether they can afford it or not, is something that she’ll never have with me. But then she surprised me. She messaged me later on saying that she didn’t care. She’d give up what she wanted, she’d sacrifice the chance at having a more complete family….for me.

Win! Right? I should have been ecstatic. I should have felt relieved that with her I wouldn’t be pressured about kids. We’d spend our days just the two of us, growing old, doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted because there was nothing holding us back. No school plays or worries about finding a baby sitter or anything like that. It would have been perfect. But I never got that feeling. Later on while talking to Amy about that whole part, I admitted to her that, "I should be happier on some level, but I’m not. I feel even shittier than before." She asked why. And I told her all that about being family orientated and that now, because of me, she won’t have that. That it makes me feel like a jerk. That it doesn’t feel right.

And then I didn’t talk to her for the rest of the day. She sent me a couple of messages, but I didn’t respond. I had wanted her to spend some time to really think about, but she made up her mind, much like I had done about where this would go. She decided she was going to sacrifice what she wanted, and I had decided that I wouldn’t let her. So, after lunch the next day I messaged her. I don’t have the messages anymore, so I don’t remember all what I had said, but I know I just sort of reiterated my point. That I know this is what she thinks she wants. That she says right now she isn’t ready to have a baby. But, not being ready now, is a foreshadow to some day being ready. And what is going to happen when that day comes and I am still standing by my belief that I do not want a/any kids?

So, later on when she read that message and replied back, she asked if I was breaking up with her. And I was. I let her go. I let go of an amazing person whom I was looking forward to spending every second I could during my next trip in February. I let go of someone who loved me simply because I was nice and could make her laugh. I let go and further proved that I have learned nothing in my almost 30 years simply because I didn’t think to ask when it would have mattered most. When it could have been a more viable option to know that information before hand and maybe approach things between us differently for a time and we could have more mutually agreed that it probably would not work, or that probably it could.