Japan So Far, and A Small Attempt at Self-Reassurance

So, where to begin…

I left the island ‘paradise’ of Diego Garcia back in August 7th, and this time it was for good. Another guy I worked with left at the same time and karma be damned we were driving to the terminal and kept saying things like, “Last time we’re going to make this right again.” “Last time we’re going to drive by the marina again.” “Last time we’re going to be in this terminal again.” And, as luck would have it, we were right. Planes had been notoriously breaking and delayed so saying that, while hopeful, could have horribly backfired. But, we made it out. Had one of the longest ten hour flights I’ve ever been on to Okinawa. Had a short lay over there where we stayed on the plane and then had the short two hour flight up to where I am now. And suffice to say, it’s been a little downhill since.

It’s not terrible, just…different. COVID and the precautions do have their part to play, but it perplexes me just how badly things can be managed in a multitude of aspects. Processes that should be in place are lackluster with preparedness. Uncertainty looms overhead with other things. And accountability has long since gone out the window with others.

I won’t really get into the work situation as it’s probably only remotely interesting to me at the way things are and would probably come off as incoherent rambling. The work area and people and anti-cohesion here are very reminiscent of being back in Hawaii. There’s a strong Us vs. Them and a serious lack of work that makes me wonder why there is the manning there is here. It’s a shit show and now I’m being forced into a job I didn’t want to do years ago, and if I’m going to be a little petty for a change, it’s jut now what I want to do, and it’s not how I envisioned my last two years in the service going. But, then again, when do we ever get what we want?

After the mandatory two weeks of quarantine, it’s been a little fast paced with getting settled in. I was promptly moved out of the quarantine room, into another dorm room across base while I looked for housing in the city. Immediately after an appointment I was told to pick a few places to look at and to call them back to set up viewings. I called them at roughly 9:30am, had my first viewing set up for 10:30am. It was a nice little apartment in Fussa. But, it was too small. It was also on the tenth floor with a tiny elevator that would have made moving things up difficult. And, parking was a little walk around the way. Option 1 was a no-go. The second place I looked at was a brand new, never been lived in before townhouse. I wasn’t keen on it at first because I wanted a house and some space. I promptly forgot this was Japan and space is a luxury not easily found. After looking at another place that was too far away for my liking, I didn’t go and see the 4th and 5th places I wanted to, but instead made the decision to move into the townhouse. It’s a relatively short drive and it’s also a pretty straight forward drive so, I went for it. By the following Monday (this was all on a Friday), I had my housing appointment, got all my paperwork, had to get one thing signed, bought a car, got my advanced housing pay (all $4500…yuck) and a move in date, 8 days after that housing appointment, I was moved into the house, furnished, and done with it all.

It’s so very early in my time here, but I’ve just been feeling down about it all. I lamented the option to go back to Hawaii for as much as I hated it, but spent some time thinking how easy it would be going back there instead. Maybe it would have been different this time around. I could have made better choices as far as where to live, and made a better effort at work (with people…not working). And…I hate being so alone. By now in most people’s lives, especially those I’ve worked with, they’re married. I don’t have colleagues at work anymore that are around the same age and rank that are still single or are venturing out and such. I joke about the bachelor life, but I don’t take pride in it in the way I might have before. I don’t know if I ever really truly have but instead only used it as a facade to keep people at a distance. I don’t like that I’m not as social as I would like to be. I struggle, constantly, with even the simplest of conversations with people. I just have no idea what to say. Even at times when it should be easy, it’s a fucking challenge. I don’t even remember the last meaningful conversation I’ve had. At least not in person. To top it all off, tonight I went way back through someone else’s diary entries, for unrelated reasons*, and realized, this is probably the only physical proof I have of nice things someone has said about me. Some of it is actually said, other stuff…well, subtext. I know what was meant. But, that was back in 2002/2003! Fucking hell, what a miserable son of a bitch I must have turned into. Or, on a silver lining, how much everyone has become disassociated with everyone else that no one actually has any record of that at all. And I guess for that, I’m lucky.

But that…those..memories…aren’t enough. Not a time where I feel left out. Unable to relate to others. Unimportant. Facing a shit end to twenty years with having little to nothing to show for it.

*Said persons diary’s latest entry was a two year update kind of post for them to see how far they’ve come in that time period. So I was going to leave a comment on an old entry about how far they’ve come since a certain entry that I thought was on the same day, for some reason, back in 2002.