And then…

And then…it was one year later. I could have sworn a had purchased a lifetime membership and would be grandfathered in, but alas, after my free trial ran out, so did I.

And then…I forgot. I forgot all about this place. Never bothered to check it. I hadn’t even added it to my favorites when it did initially come back, so it just was wiped from my memory.

And then…I got a random message from my friend, (indecision), who sent me a link to an entry of hers from fucking ages (it feels like) ago. And I remembered about this place. I remembered all that I had. And all that was just sitting here waiting for me to come crawling back and stepping into my 20’s youth full of way too many Dave Matthews Band lyrics and titles from their lyrics. God I can only imagine I was insufferable with that during that time.

And then…I forgot about this place again. Until now. Until I remembered our short two day stint of talking and wanted to see this place again. Because since this place had shut down, I never found a home. I tried others. I probably even made a blogspot again. But it wasn’t here. It wasn’t a place I had known since 2003, after the same said friend had turned me on to this place. And now, I can’t forget. 1, if I’m going to pay monthly, I better use it. 2, I added it to my favorites. So now it stares at me next to my eBay sell link. And 3, I think I’ve needed this way more than I’d ever admit. Or even think to admit. I have not had an outlet, it seems, where I can just vent, even if no one sees it, but to just vent and get shit out of my head and placed somewhere that I can just put it and say, “Ok, that nasty little thought that will stay in my head and force me to live over and over and over again inside my head thinking of different outcomes? You can fuck off and die on this page.” I’m sure from time to time I will relive it, but it helps to get it all down.

And then…I see my friends list on here of people who are still active, or at the very least reactivated their accounts but haven’t posted anything. Some of them say, “Last update 5 years, 3 months…” or something like that. Memories frozen in time and a reminder of what once was. Some are active. Said friend above, obviously. Another was active but hasn’t updated in a couple months. I might have sent a semi-creepy note to her, like a, “Hey, remember me? I wrote that guitar thing…” blah blah blah. Should totally go over well if she reads it. But, it’d be cool to catch up with some people. One in particular, but I think she forgot about me long ago.

And then…I didn’t dive into that story. And then I was done.