happiness_in_a_pill : the fall

Unusually my day started off well. I had to wake up early [7am!] and go to work. Usually this would have been shit but I handled it well, served customers with a smile, a rare occsion from me. I was getting along with everyone, even the wigga manager who accused me of being gay. Nothing got to me, the smiling hurt my cheeks. I was, as the saying goes, on cloud nine.

Unfortunately, as life does to me, it all crumbled. I turned into a mess head in hands and resisting the urge to tell my friend to go fuck himself for what he had done to another friend. He ruined it all I believe.

Oh, for the fall.

I was talking to a friend just now online. I thank her for her commitment to me, she’s like my big sister. So caring, and so determined to break me out of my shell [regardless of my want/need/determination to remain within it]. This is my share of the conversation.

my life feels like it’s falling to pieces, seem to be deteriorating between sanity and something worse. the things in my head are determined to drive me to my grave i feel.

i wish there was but there is nothing anyone can do. i just have to learn how to… cope, block out everything going on, it just hurts sometimes you know… you try to cry and there is nothing coming out. i have so many friends and i still feel alone, i still fall alone and beg people to pick up the pieces when i know i’m making them do it every week… it all just hurts.

im just sick of having to wait. i’ve waited three years or more. the answers shouldn’t be this difficult.

I mean every word of this.

Everyone is determined to help me but I just won’t let them in. I’m too afraid, like the rest, they’ll just hurt me. Forever this is my ‘mantra’, if you will. Beauty runs deep, but boy-oh-boy you can bet that my insecurities run deeper.

I write SImoN’S not tragedies,
-SImoN.