happiness_in_a_pill : fluoxetine dream

soon it’s going to be easier to sleep.

i know it will be.

it has to be or it will be the death of me.

it’s too hard to cry and cope.

when i break all those that touch on my life.

fortunate to have those i do.

even though i scar them.

they’ll never know how much i appreciate their caring.

and i’m sorry that i hurt them.

they’ll never know.

what they save me from more often than it should be.

everyone knows that i can’t get help.

everyone knows that’s not what i want.

i hate feeling the way i do.

although i am accustomed to it’s behaviour.

and as much as it destroys me.

i know it all too well.

breaking upon breaking upon breaking upon breaking.

what else is there to wish for except for death.

wishing for life and something to save me has failed.

giving up is so much easier than giving it my all.

just wanting something to.

give me a chance, a change, a hope, a ticket out of hell.

tunnel vision.

what’s up with that.

i killed any respect i had in the eyes of the one i love.

who keeps them closed to me.

drown me.

hang me.

crash me.

shock me.

cut me.

hurt me.

do anything to take it all away.

stay in entropy when my life and all i know.

is an entropic situation.

unpredictable.

such decay from me.

the alcoholic.

the saviour.

the friend.

the foe.

the damaged.

the hurt.

the un-fucking-believable.

what can i do.

but to weap in my pillow.

at the death of my soul.

the passing of my breath.

the beatlessness of my heart.

the electric death of impulses in my brain.

my fragile mind.

shattered.

a lack of chemicals.

can be blamed.

if you want your scapegoat.

there it is.

or here i am.

take your pick.

we’ll both work.

while i may not be technically dying.

[from the minute that it’s born, it begins to die]

i don’t see much point.

in declaring me dead.

i watched myself deteriorate.

change into this thing i did not like.

but this thing i was powerless to stop.

this thing that wants to numb it all.

this thing that thinks that will work.

this spectre.

this idea.

this ideal.

this illusion of what is perfection.

this media influenced idea of perfection.

this thin and trouble free air headed ideal.

this lack of comprehension.

this complication.

this catagory scarred and scattered.

this fuck up.

this piece of trash.

this freak.

this fool.

this apology.

i love you.

i broke you.

i betrayed you.

i hurt you.

i admit to you.

i’m not perfect.

but i love you.

-SImoN
happiness_in_a_pill