happiness_in_a_pill : all the earth’s worth

Today was a bad day. It all started with shit customers and crew. Mark was the main instigator, as usual, and it all dissolved into just this mess of emotion and frustration.

So, the start. When the frystation at work has finished cooking something, it beeps until the corresponding button to stop it has been pushed. Mark was standing right next to it and imitated it, insisting he was too busy to get it, and i mean like, three feet at the very most away from it. So, when he continued to imitate it I yelled out "If it annoys you so much answer the god damned thing and stop it".

That’s pretty much were it turned to shit.

The manager running the shift was on the phone to my boss and he was in the kitchen. My boss heard everything, so now, now I’m in deep shit [apparently "god damned" is a swear word]. So I was in a horrible mood and then I had this customer who was being a prick and another manager who wasn’t running shift wouldn’t refund it so he kicked up a keffuffle and… yeah. I finish the order and then I just lose control, and tell the manager who’s not in charge and shut myself in the crew room and had a big cry. I’d been needing one for ages. After around ten minutes I get back up and go to go back to work, but ask Cory, the manager in charge if I can go, because I just couldn’t handle going back to work. I got my stuff together, left a note apologising to both managers and left. I felt stink, I ruined their night and I was really upset about that.

Anywho, in about, oooh, eleven hours I face my boss. I think it means me and Mark will have a ‘conference’ and we’ll sort stuff out [according to a mate who had to do it too]. I just don’t think there’s a nice way to tell someone who used to be my friend I wish he was dead… I know, that’s horrible, so don’t try and crucify me for it. I regret ever getting him a job there. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve done to do with BK [that i’ll admit to].

I got really suicidal tonight. I still am. My dad’s got a bottle of jack daniels, or jim beam, or some sort of whiskey and i’ve got around 200 fluoxitine. I still want to, god damn it, it’s this unending feeling and I know things would be better if they were over. They couldn’t be any worse dead then living. I know people would be upset, people would be jealous, people would be happy and people would be hurt but why should I care? Most of these people can’t spare me the time of day to talk to me and help me. I fucking hate this guilt. It’s unfair. I go out of my way to help people and be nice, so why do they deny me this one selfish act?

I’m not sure what to do. I mean, NZ has a mental health awareness drive on at the moment to get help and it fucks me off so much. I’ve seeked help, three or four times and the last time they totally blew me off. What help is it when they won’t help you. They won’t give me any medication [that works] cause of my age, none of the pre adulthood safe pills work for me, they won’t give me meds to help me sleep [and before you fuck me off, yes, i’ve tried about everything under the goddamned sun to help me to sleep], so what is there to do? i’m not strong enough to help myself, and my friends are too tired and too unskilled. I mean, they try their hardest but at the end of the day I’m just grief.

A while ago, I told you a customer told me that having a nice day was waking up with a smile on your face.

I’d give anything to wake up happy. Wake up with a smile on my face. Anything just to be happy for a week.

Not much else has happened since I last wrote. I left my lights on and killed my battery to death but my brother used the paddles and brought it back. I got disgustingly drunk on the weekend. My mate fell on me and knocked me backwards. Then I fall [domino effect] and i smacked my head into a wall on the corner of the hall and got knocked unconscious for around five minutes. Nothing else to report. I’m off to make myself better then go to bed. It’s getting later than I had planned [11.38p.m.]

plain and SINple.

-SImoN
happiness_in_a_pill

[P.S. Got the piercing removed. Too frustrating and annoying, I’m more content with it out than in]