the way things are and how they should be

so when its dark out and the house is quiet, and there is no noise but the thoughts in your head, you start to think about things you most likely wouldnt think about during the activities of the day. i have a great  boyfriend who doesnt deserve me, i have a job that isnt giving me many hours right now but is the best part time job to get in all of port orchard, and school is school, nothing too exciting there. thing is, nothing is really exciting at all these days. i feel so bland, so boring, like im living in a pattern, like im wasteing my days one by one. it is such a big world and there is so much to do, but i cant do them unless i get my degree and make money. two important things in life that if not taken  care of can hold you back from what you want to do. cant do anything without money, and these days people want to see that you have some sort of degree under your belt. you have to have  a degree to be a manager at gamecrazy for crying out loud! how dumb. i would just rather be out hiking, fishing, doing fun and adventurous things then sitting here having to wait to complete my associates degree. but i guess in the end it will be worth it. i just hate how time seems to drag on me right now. trevor and i have been together for almost a year now, things have been good, great, fantastic. cant say anything bad abour our relationship, really because our relationship is mostly physical. thing is,  he says the things that ive always wanted to hear, and treats me the way ive always wanted to be treated, like any girl would want to be treated. and he truly, sincerely, really loves me. really really loves me and is ready to stay with me for however long he can. its been almost a year without sex for him either because he knows im not willing to compromise my moral. why i dont deserve him? because i already know we have gotten as close as we are going to get and so i already know hes not the one and im not in love with him. i remember how that felt. and hes definitely not like a best friend that i tell everything to and have long talks for hours with. we havent really made a single memory to look back on and laugh at in a whole year. and that means something to me. mostly because he never has the time to do anything and we really only hang out at night because of our schedules. idunno, but either way i know that sooner or later im going to break up with him. why not now? because like i said before, he is so wonderful. such a wonderful kindhearted respectable boyfriend and once i break up with him, theres no getting serious with anyone else because i know im not ready for that yet. i want to do my own thing, travel, experience everything ive ever wanted to experience, and i cant have anyone hold me back or take that away from me. im not ready to compromise. this is a time and age for me where i need to be selfish for once and put me first. but once i break up with trevor i will be so lonely. and its so nice to have him by my side at night and to have to kiss and hold and hug and tickle and watch movies with and just have there comfort. we already had a serious talk about us and so he already knows that i dont love him as much as he loves me and he already knows that when it comes down to it, i will pick my career over us. but he is in love and people in love have hope. i just dont think he knows that my feelings wont get any stronger or develope. i think he thinks i might change my mind. so in a way i feel like i am taking precious time from him to find someone else to love, and i feel like im using him. i dont know what to do, its eating at me every day and i cant stop thinking about it. am i wrong for what im doing? or am i right? i dont know. i feel so low.  and i just dont feel happy these days.  i remember what its like to feel happy, to just feel so great inside and out. right now i feel like the bright light inside me has shut off, and im just a robot living my life day by day. im so homesick. whenever i want to uplift my spirits i close my eyes and take myself back to kodiak island where im laying sprawled out on a grassy cliff above the ocean with no sound but the wind in my hair and the crashing of the waves below, and the feeling of the warm sunshine on my face. true bliss really. you gotta try it! the other day i got a package from aika and wendy that had me in tears. such beautiful letters from two beautiful people. and inside the package was A LOT of chocolates haha and little papers that they wrote funny memories on. i miss those girls so much nobody even knows. i just miss being truly happy. and i dont know what it will take to be truly happy again. at least i have my family and my best friends here (whom i love to death!) to brighten up my days a little ^_^