so many thoughts

December is not only the happiest month of the year (because countless numbers of people all at the same time are sending out their cheery christmas spirits into the world) but the most stressful (with all the hustle and bustle) and most romantic (for those who are in love on christmas) and the most lonely (when you are single or just dealing with a broken heart) any who, theres a saying that everyone should have someone to love romanticly on christmas day….and me….well lately….ive been feeling a little of all of that. Yes i have been cheery, yes i have been stressed out, yes i have been happy because i have a great boyfriend, and yes i have been lonely, and also guilty because things arent turning out the way i wanted them to.  If im really in love, then why do i find myself longing for feelings that i had in the past? not the person, he has his own life now and i mine, but just the feeling you know? the way i felt when i was in love….its been almost 10 months with trevor…and i dont feel that. I am absolutely 100% physically attracted to him! and he says and does things that every woman would only dream a man would say and do. He whispers in my ear telling me romantic things, caresses and kisses every part of my body telling me things that make me feel like a godess, he wakes me up with guitar songs dedicated to me. the man has given up sex all this time because of my goal to be a virgin till marriage! he respects me, hes loyal, honest, communicates his feelings well, tries to understand me even when its hard to. yes he has faults but they arent anything huge that i couldnt deal with, they just make him human. For any other woman he would be perfect, but there are some things that i am starting to realize, i miss a lot. things he cant give me because its not who he is. I miss the laughter, the long talks about nothing and everything, and adventures and playfulness and jokes, the immagination of thinking up and talking about silly made up things that make us laugh so hard our stomachs hurt. i miss the friendship. i have all the love in the world from trevor, but i dont have a friendship. hes grown up too much to play games, or go have adventures or use his emagination. he doesnt joke and cant deal with my playfulness sometimes,its just too much for him. i feel that he needs someone who is as grown up as he is. and gosh it hurts so much to be thinking these things but i just cant help it. yes i love him, but im not in love, not the way i want to be. im a little bored. hes made me so happy, ive been happier than ever this year than i have been in a while, and he helped me get over the past, but im beginning to see that im thinking more of him than me. i have dreams, goals, places i want to go and see and things i want to do. i know that he cant be there for me every step of the way. and im not ready for a serious relationship because i cant be tied down, not yet. for now ive already bought trevors christmas gift and invited him to the cabin which has been a long planned event. but how can i end things before christmas and new years and my birthday? i will have to do it soon. this really sux. 🙁 the mans in love with me , for christ sakes he may have marriage on the mind. this just really sux :’-( im writing this down because i know that the truth flows through my fingers. this way i know im noy lying to myself about the way i feel. god damn it……