It’s been a while

Funny how the last entry I wrote was about my grief, and here I am grieving again. I was so depressed last year and this year has been a year of really focusing on my health and getting back to feeling good about myself again. I haven’t lost the weight, but my skin is looking good, my hair is coming back, And I’m feeling like I have energy again, but on June 22, I lost a very dear friend of mine.

Many a diary entry has been written about him.  Especially in the early 2000s. I used to be in love with him you see. He was my first love, and so when this Diary website first opened, I wrote about him often. Even after he broke my heart at the age of 16, we remained best friends. Later, after high school, he developed a drinking problem, which got steadily worse. It was really hard for me to believe it first that he could be in such a situation, but it got so bad. His wife ended up, leaving him and taking the kids back to Alaska and he became a drunk Soon he was on the streets and then he was in and out of Prison. I knew who he really was, and he was not his addiction, so I stood by him and helped him with whatever I could. But clothes on his back, bailed him out of jail, got him a new cell phone, helped him find shelter and job opportunities, etc… soon I was drained of my energy in my heart just couldn’t keep breaking anymore. I had to take a break from him and that was a really hard thing for me to do. I worried that if I stopped contacting him, he would end up dead. But I needed to take care of my own mental health, so I let him know that he needed to find someone else to contact because I felt he was not trying to meet me halfway. I didn’t want him calling me drunk. I wanted him to call me when he “felt” like drinking, so I could keep him from doing so. I wanted to be someone to help and support him, but I felt like I was enabling him. And it didn’t seem like he wanted to get better.  continue on in a spiritual realm. I wanted to make sure he was okay and it turns out he is.

In the next two years I spoke to him maybe just a handful of times checking in just to see how he was doing. Then this year we were talking and he was doing so well. He was now a sponsor with AA, back in school to get a masters degree, and working on renting his own apartment and getting out of the sober living house. He had been in regular contact with his daughter who he had developed a great relationship with And he seems to be in a really good place. We started talking about making plans to see each other and I was overjoyed at how well he was doing. Gave me hope that he was now going to be okay. He had things to motivate him to stay sober. He was going to make it and have a wonderful life.

A few weeks later, I got the text from a friend who knew his ex wife that he was gone. He had relapsed and it took two days for someone to find his body. He was alone in his truck with a bottle. My heart shattered.

At first, I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t be true. It didn’t make sense. I messaged his brother because I needed to know and he confirmed that Adriel had passed away. The coroners office had called the family first.

to say I was devastated is an understatement. This is the boy who changed my life. We became best friends at the age of 13 and did everything together. I was the shy wallflower, and he was the popular outgoing one. Yet for some reason, this boy wanted to be my friend. His friendship gave me the courage to come out of my shell and be myself around others. To be confident in who I was. He also taught me what it was to be in love for the first time. Our bond was unexplainable. So strong. I have so many precious memories with him. One being when we decided to go for a walk in a rainstorm. We were jumping in all of the puddles and running around getting soaked, and our umbrellas were blowing inside out because of how strong the wind was. But we were just laughing and laughing, I also remember one time when his dog Sandy found a duck nest and chased the mother away, We waited for the mother duck to come back, but she never did so we tried to save the eggs By bringing them back to his house. His mom didn’t want him to keep them so we had to return them to the nest and by that time the only one that was still warm was the one that I was holding in my hands. I decided to take it home and incubate in my drawer with a lamp. Soon we found a kindergarten class that was incubating chicks, and we decided to bring the egg there. The egg did hatch and we named the baby duckling gwenovere. the wildlife refuge came to get her.  I remember when I was 15 and I went back to Kodiak to go to a school dance with him. It was on New Year’s Eve and we had our first kiss on the top of a cliff with the ocean below us and the fireworks above. It was the happiest moment of my life at that point.

I felt I had known him in another life. Or many lives before. Even across the miles we were connected by an invisible string. We would write boxes of letters to each other for when we would finally see each other again.

This man had such an impact on my life, and I will be forever grateful for that. For all of the wonderful memories and experiences with him.

i’ve made the choice not to fall into a deep depression like I did last year. I cannot allow myself to do that. I am finding the help and support that I need and talking about him often. When I was ready, decided to write this on his Facebook page. I may read this at his funeral.

My dear friend. The wonderful book of memories we created is quite spectacular don’t you think? I can look back at every page with a smile. This was the day we took a walk during a rainstorm and the wind was so strong that our umbrellas blew inside out. This was the day your dog chased a mother duck from her nest and we ended up saving one of the eggs that was later able to hatch a duckling. This was the day I dared you to climb down a cliff with me and my dad ended up coming to find us. We got in such big trouble. I could go on and on.

Up until I was 13, I wouldn’t let people in at school. I stayed quiet and made myself invisible out of fear that they wouldn’t like me. To me, it was easier to be a wallflower than being made fun of. But for some reason you saw me and were determined to be my friend. I soon trusted you enough to be myself and you accepted me exactly as I was. Because of that, my fear dissipated. I entered the next school year, blossoming, eager to show people who I was and I made so many new friends. We were inseparable weren’t we? Two peas in a pod.

There are no words to describe the pain from the loss of you. I will forever miss your smile, your laugh, your jokes and your heart. I was always so inspired by you and how smart and hard working you were. You never gave yourself enough credit. All I wanted was for you to focus, not on your failures, but on your successes. Because those were what mattered. I don’t think you realized how great you were. You couldn’t see it, but I could. All of us could. You brought so much love and joy into my life and I will be forever grateful to you for that. I love you and I know that we will see each other again. I do not know for sure what happens after death, but I know that wherever you are, it is beautiful.