i miss you grandma

Today marks a year since my grandmother has passed….I can’t believe it has already been that long.  My dad told me he was leaving this morning to go see grandad and make sure he was ok, so I decided to write a letter to send with him.

I really didn’t know what to write to my grandpa about, whether i should talk about grandma, or just what i was doing lately…but when i sat down with my notebook and pen I knew what i wanted to say…

I wrote that I was sorry that I have never written, or sent a thank you card after all of the many cards he had sent me for my birthdays. I wrote that I was sorry I wasn’t more supportive during the time of grandmas death.  I was afraid that whatever I would say would hurt him more, or not be comforting at all…so I said nothing….

I told him I felt that I was a failure as a grandaughter…for not calling him all year since her passing…probably one of the hardest years of his life….and for not congratulating him on marrying Evelynne. Somehow I felt that by doing so, I’d be saying I was happy he was getting over my grandmother….and so I said nothing.

I explained how I have never really been good at expressing my emotions….and that the last time we were all together with grandma, I couldn’t stand how everyone was acting….knowing she was going to die. So I acted normal, as if she wasn’t going anywhere, as if it was a dream, as if… it was just another visit 🙂 To me it really was a dream.  I was in denial that my grandmother was dying…. and didn’t want to believe it. so when I found out that she had passed away…it was already too late…and I had so many unspoken words to tell her….

I wrote to my grandfather that I didn’t want our relationship to be that way and I was sorry for not trying to be closer.

After sealing the letter and leaving it for my father to take with him, I felt a huge weight lift off my chest. I hope that my grandpa is doing alright, and I hope my grandmother knows how much I miss her