I feel like…

The few men who have played a big part in my life….have made the road ahead for me , emotionally, very hard.

…. I have been hurt one too many times…..each time hurting just as much as the first.

Three times I thought someone cared. I had fear, and they slowly but surely got me to where I could trust them, where I believed they actually felt the same for me as I did for them. and then…when I finally opened my heart….I was crushed. 

In my most recent experience….I had pushed a certain someone I cared about away for quite a while, because I still had distrust from events with him in the past.  it wasn’t until he was ready to give up that I realized my mistake and I finally spilled my feelings for him….in hope that he still cared. I thought he would have been happy, but instead all he could do was say that it was too late, and even when I took the blame for making him wait, telling him I knew I was wrong and I was sorry,  he couldn’t care less. He said expressing my pathetic feelings wasn’t going to change anything.

I shut down.

 I have been stung at my weakest moments. I have felt so unwanted and so hurt that my walls have become thicker .  I just can’t risk trusting the wrong person again. I can’t.

 Do I blame these men for how I am? No.  I could have been one of those people who can keep trusting and keep getting hurt and keep trusting and not let if affect them and be stronger…. but I am not strong, I am very sensitive, and those experiences have made me afraid of letting anyone in.

I can’t even let myself in most of the time because I have stopped trusting my heart.  I started trusting my mind. 
 Thoughts are a hell of a lote easier to understand than feelings and emotions. And that has kept me safe….being cautious, pessimistic, and protective of myself has kept me very safe…. but I fear that it will also keep me from seeing what is right in front of me. 

I hate that I am this way. It makes me so angry. I don’t want to be like this.

I want to be able to follow my heart again, to be able to dive in without a care, damning the consequences…but I think that will require me meeting someone who can help break down my  walls.

I just don’t think that I can do it alone.