Every Part Of Me

Last night I started really thinking about how far I’ve come as a person. I mean all the way from childhood.

I was a strange child. Half the time I wasn’t in my body. I would fall off chairs for no reason, not recollect what was going on around me. One time I went over to the next door neighbors house to play with their daughter and a minute after I arrived I started putting my coat back on and her mother said “Where are you going? Didn’t you just come over to play with Laura?” I responded “Oh yeah.” And took my coat back off. They called my parents concerned.

My parents didn’t know what was going on with me. I started seeing doctors and having special tests done. They thought maybe I was on the spectrum or there was something chemical wrong with my brain. But really I was just not spiritually grounded. I was a star child and my soul was not meant to be on this physical pain. And so at times it had to leave to take breaks.

Being a dreamer and an odd duck, I think it was normal for some of the other kids to bully or tease , but an adult is supposed to be a safe place. An adult is supposed to support you and accept you the way you are. But surprisingly I was let down by many adults in my life. My softball coach made fun of me when one of my teammates saw me talking to ants and told him about it. He laughed and looked at me strangely and said “Hannah is that really true?” It was enough to make me quit the team.

My 4th grade teacher would get upset at me if I asked about an activity because I spaced out when she was explaining it earlier. “I already gave the instructions. Why weren’t you listening?!” Soon I wasn’t getting assignments done because when I came back from daydreaming and saw my fellow classmates working on something I was too afraid to say anything. So One day I just went to sleep. She woke me up and sent me to the principals office.
when my parents found out what was going on they were furious that this had not been brought to their attention. We came up with a solution of having a round disc on my desk. One dude was green and one was red. If I had it on the red side that meant I had a question. My teacher did not know how to deal with me.

When it came to the other kids I just didn’t feel like I fit anywhere. I had social anxiety so at recess I preferred to be by myself. I Started stacking rocks and building a fort. It was a project to focus on to deal with my stress. I knew others thought I was weird. One day I saw that it had been knocked down and I saw some kids watching and laughing at me.

When you feel like nobody accepts you as you are, the world isn’t safe. The only place I felt safe was at home. At least my parents were trying to figure me out and get me help.

As I got older things didn’t change. I loved school, but I would completely forget about assignments or only get through part of my homework and not finish. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t remember or stay focused. One of my teachers picked me aside after class and she said “I know you’re not stupid. In fact You’re one of my brightest students. So I can’t understand why you’re not turning in your homework. Is there something going on at home?”

I wondered if maybe I was stupid. There was definitely something wrong with me. I wasn’t normal. I felt so insecure and lost and nobody knew it. My parents started reminding me to write down my assignments in my planner so that I wouldnt forget. It was a miracle I wasn’t held back and I somehow caught up and graduated high school.

I think about all of this, and look at myself now and I am amazed and so proud. I thought about what I would say to that little girl  if I could go back. I would say “You are just different than most people and that don’t mean there is something wrong with you. You are perfect just the way you are and it does not matter what anyone else thinks. Hold your head high. It is always what people are not familiar with that they fear.”

I hugged that little girl and gave myself a big pat on the back. For I have learned to fall in love with every part of me.