:-D

haha i just realized right now that yesterday was trevor and my one month aniversary! it doesnt even seem that long, weird. a few days ago he told me he loved me, and it freaked me out. i didnt talk to him the whole weekend and kinda avoided him, but then last night i talked to him about it.

Hannah:trevor, can i ask you a question?

trevor: yea sure, anything hanners

hannah: what is your definition of love?

trevor: um, what do i think love is? well, when someone cares about someone to a certain point thats very strong.

hannah: but wouldnt you just call those very strong feelings? how do you know its love?

trevor: hannah, all i know is that you are the type of girl i can see myself being with. and what i feel for you is much stronger than like. like isnt a word that can describe it.

hannah: ok, its just that, i dont want you to feel bad if i dont say it back treovor, because i was in love before and i know what i felt, im just not there with you yet.

trevor: hanners, i told you i loved you because i do and i wanted to say it because i wanted to make you uncomfortable, to put you in that awkward situation for once, so i could stir up your thoughts. and im really glad we are talking about this. i didnt expect you to say it back because i already knew you werent at the same place.

Hannah: its not that im not at the same place, i probably feel the exact same as you do, i just think of love as something different

trevor: hannah, you know what my definition of love is? its you. if you could see everything i thought about you, maybe all of your insecurities would go away. maybe you wouldnt be so afraid of me loving you. you’re so far in hannah that its hard to reach you sometimes. sometimes i have no idea if i am doing something right. a lot of the time i have to drag things out of you

hannah: i know, im sorry. its hard for me to let anyone into my thoughts. im used to having my own little world i guess. i dont know why its hard for me to talk to you about how i feel or certain things, and im tryin to figure it out.

trevor: you just have to stop worrying hannah and just know that im going to take care of you. as long as you’re here ill be here too. im not going anywhere. you know what hannah? no offence at all, but you are not the type at all that i expected to be with. if anyone told me id be dating a virgin who was a little innocent and had all of her stuff together and was responsible, id say fuck no! but you never know until you meet someone. and i knew right when i met you that i wanted to be with you. you gave me this good vibe and i cant explain what it was. ive never been the one to chase after a girl, but all i knew was that i had to get you to hang out with me.

i also talked to him about how i was afraid that because of my morals, he might get frustrated with me over time. and he reassured me that he would stay. he doesnt exactly agree with what i want to do because he says that even if i got married and had sex, its possible that that marriage might not work, which is true. and even before we were going out i had been pondering about my decision this whole year. im at a point right now where im tryin to figure out if im saving myself for marriage because ill feel like ive let myself and others down if i dont, or because its something thats really important to me and i want to stick with it. i mean, it really is important to me, but i have my doubts. i mean, what if i fall in love, and i lose that person, and i never feel the same again about anyone else, even my husband? i dont want to regret not having made love with the person i really cared for. its just that, when whatever was between adriel and i was over, i thought id never be able to feel for someone again. i thought that he was the one meant for me and it would be impossible for me to care about someone again let alone love someoen again. but when trevor found me, i suddenly proved myself wrong. i began to have feelings for trevor. and slowly, the pain wwent away. i started healing. and then suddenly i realized, omg, i could love this person if we stay together. i think i can begin to love this person if we spend enough time together. and i realized that there is such a thing as falling in love more than once. so i thought, i could fall in love, marry a person, and seriously thinkn i was gonna spend the rest of my life with them, but theres a chance it could end. just like with adriel and i. so why save sex for marriage? why not save it for when i fall in love? see. all these questions go through my head.