bored off my butt, and double trouble!

so right now im sitting in olympic colleges library at the computer because my geology teacher wont be here for the rest of the week! in fact, he is taking the day after memorial day off too, so we wont be seeing him till wednesday! either way, this gives me an hour between his class and my acting class to do…well…whatever i can find to do! an hour seems so long when you have nobody to spend it with and nobody to talk to. and nothing to do cept go on the computer. at least this keyboard has an "a" key that works! sigh. my acting class is at 1 and its only 12:08….grrr…what to do. i guess ill go call someone to bide my time. hopefully someone is available. oh yea i forgot! i have something important to write about!
last night i told trevor the truth about how i lied to him so that i could go hang out with eric. ive been feeling bad about it all week and i just couldnt keep it from him any longer. also because i had a long talk with eric last night before i talked to trevor. eric was saying that he was uncomfortable and feeling discouraged knowing that i was going home to another mans bed every night even though i was hanging out with him. he knows its not a committed relationship and its only physical, but he pretty much wanted me to make things more even on each side of the situation. so i pretty much told him that if the thing between trevor and i made him uncomfortable then he should just let me know and that will be that, which made him feel like shit because i was so comfortable with trevor, that it would be easy for me to just end things with anyone else, including him. he told me how it made him feel and i began to understand things from his point of view, then i felt bad. so then i really had to think about if i really wanted to pursue whatever was happening between eric and i, or if i should let it go. i thought about it and thought about it and many different points came into my mind.

#1. how often is it that i find someone who is not only hott, but has the same morals as i do when it comes to sex?
#2. but he lives in seattle, and i live in port orchard, its not like id be able to hang out with him every day and get to know him easily. in order to really get close to someone they need to be living close by.
#3. but what if i give this up and there really is something there that im not seeing? what if this was it and i let it go! will i regret it?
#4. wait a minute. the reason i said to myself that i wouldnt start a relationship with someone wasnt because id never find someone with the same morals as me, but because i have dreams and goals and i cant let anything compromise that!
#5. if there really is a connection between me and eric, if i keep pursueing this, id just end up hurting him, because i might be going down to las angeles to be an actress!
#6. its not fair to him or trevor and even though there is not a big chance that someone else with the same morals will come into my life, thats not what i want right now. i like eric, but not enough to sacrifice what i want to do and where i want to go. it just wont work out.
#7. so why did i even start hanging out with him in the first place?
#8. because i was so flattered and because i thought that id probably never find someone like me again, which is complete bullcrap. i was off in some dream world or fantasy thinking land of mine.
#9. i wasnt thinking clearly. i feel bad now.

and so i told trevor the whole bit and he was really hurt that i would do something like that to him. i feel horrible for lying and hurting his feelings like that and of all people he didnt deserve it, especially when he has always been so honest with me. im still feeling like shit. sigh.
i guess now would be a good time to call eric if hes not at work, and get things back to the way they were before. sigh, why did i even get mixed up in this?