agency class, days off, and my grandma has cancer

yea, my grandma has cancer, well… nobodys positive, but so far all the symptoms point towards liver cancer…one of the worst kinds….i guess there are some cases where people can actually have a liver transplant and survive, and its rare, but  my grandma is too old for that. there would be no way that would work if its the case…. my parents kinda just sprung it on me the day before i was going into seattle (saturday) for my agency class and i was already stressin cus i felt that i wasnt ready, and they say "oh by the way hannah, your grandma might have liver cancer, she was feeling a bit weak and they went to check it out and the symptoms all point to it, we will find out for sure on tuesday so id contact your work to tell them that you might have to leave soon to go see her if thats the case"…..i was just like….i didnt know what to think…first i thought how could my dad just say that about his mom so bluntly, just put it out there, and what a way to tell their daughter, instead of "honey we need to talk to you about something, can you sit down?" just like that…. tears just welled up and came out and of course then my mom got into mother mode and wanted to snuggle me and comfort me and be like "there there everythings going to be alright, shes going to to go a better place and blah blah" but come on, its not like i dont know that. i believe in afterlife but that doesnt make it ok. and just because they say that grandpa and grandma already talked about if something like thd this happened beforehand and that she was ready to die, it didnt mean that i was ready for her to die! i mean….it just doesnt make sense. they just had their 60th anniversary and seem as healthy as they have always been! it was only 2 years ago that they took me to sea world and sat in the splash zone with me at shamu…..they travel the world together, they just got back from greece! i remember when i used to live in kodiak that my grandparents would drive all the way across the states through canada up to alaska to see us every single year! and they still see us every single year! i thought my grandma would make it to their 70th anniversary…..and now she might not make it through the next 2 weeks…

its just funny how you think that someone is invincible, like it just never occurs to you that they wont be there, like they will last forever….. that night i didnt want to think about it so i worked my ass off on my comercials and monologues and sitcoms and soaps and i memorized every single one…..i was so stressed out that the next day i hit someones mailbox haha. never did that before…
 
i just…im ok as long as i dont think about it….i dont think reality will really hit until i actually see her….and im already preparing myself, knowing that when i do, she wont look the same as she always did. sigh. im just so…..ugh