Good stuff

I do keep a grief journal.

But it has never given me the satistfaction and “home feeling” O.D. does.

So today i given the assignment to write a good memory opposed to my grieving.

one i have clung to actually was Sunday mornings.

Grizz and i worked opposite shifts for the kids

I got them on the bus and went to work.

He got them off the bus and often had supper for them if they got hungry before i got off.

We had Sundays and Mondays together.

So Sunday was of course family time. Then Monday was like our date day.

But since Monday brought the routine of getting the kids off to school that was always busy, especially with 3 girls.

So sunday morning, we would wake up and just lay there. No words. No nothing.  We wouldnt move till one of the kids got us, usually Z. Hungry.  Such a boy.

I always felt so secure. I felt like he was life support and i could crawl in him and his blood would push my blood through my veins. His heart would make my heart pump. His lungs would make my lungs breath. Thats why i knew he was my soul mate. I felt like i could crawl in him and just close my eyes and live.

I DO remember how he smelled. Tasted. Sadly our guests and friends see my kids licking their kids or companions, just randomly and eye brows are raised and i lower my head and mutter they got that from me. I would pass grizz and just lick his face, his arm, we would be side by side at the stove sink washer whatever and i would lean over as secretly as i could and place the tip of my tongue on him.

So i do laugh that i know how he tasted. And i wish i could bottle it up forever. And I don’t want anyone to replace that.

Ever.

So a month or so after his death i heard Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 and i screamed. Because that used to be on my old play list, long gone with a previous phone. Actually was the ringtone for him for a long time

So i immediately put it on my play list of mine and grizz’s songs.

Some nights i DONT want to sleep. I want to lay in the dark and have memories.

So i have a play list of songs just for he and i. That i play ehen i dont want to sleep

Well 2 songs on there are for Wendi to. She was my ride or die bff. We met the first day of  jr hi. 14 years old. We had our kids together. She and i were going to live together if anything happened to grizz.

She died last january

Another grief. Another time.

This is a positive entry.

Sunday mornings.

To have one moment to have one more Sunday morning would be a blessing.

Maybe in a dream. Soon