Too Close to Hate

4:37 am
Listening to: Depeche Mode

My mind is so messed up. All day, it’s been all over the place. A bad, bad day today. Of course, it could have been worse. It can always be worse. But still, it’s enough to cause me to put on my headphones, write, & tune out the world out for hours on end. The end result of this is, as usual, I have a long distance relationship w/sleep. Most nights it doesn’t really get to me. But after a day like today, it’s too much. I have spent way too long w/my own thoughts.

Ah, fuck it, fuck trying to sound poetic. I’m tired of it. I’m tired out all the bullshit. I’m tired of people, I’m tired of the way I feel they look at me. I’m tired of feeling like every time that I even reach my hand out toward someone that I’m being a stupid asshole. I will never see people as  really needing me. I will never see anything I do or am as worthy enough for anyone else’s attention. I’m not feeling sorry for myself either. I’m actually pretty disgusted w/ myself right now. Like something I’d like to throw in a dumpster or pick up w/a tissue.

For this reason, I’ve decided to kind of back up off other people,  back up off sharing so much (yes, I consider what i do here SHARING).

I had a great deal of hope & happiness earlier this week. This has greatly faded since Thursday night.

I spent several minutes envisioning strangling a co-worker tonight. I got pissed off an hour into my shift & stopped talking to everyone. I seriously wanted to come home, pop a shit load of pills, & go to sleep. Fuck everything else for a while.

 So yeah, that’s that. I’ve done enough to help a lot of people for quite a while. I’m glad I did it, but now’s time for me to try & figure out all the crap in my head.. to try to decide, once & for all, on some things. B/c I can’t continue this dreaming, it’s breaking my fucking heart.

Later.