Rant Away

1:19am

Listening to: Various mid-90s alternative music

Cutting to the chase: the insomnia has heaped up over the past few weeks. Yesterday (today, whatever), I slept from 6am to 8am, then from 11am to 1pm. This lack of sleep has sort of clouded my mind & made me a bit less patient. Today just brought a lot of stuff up. It was a weird day. I don’t feel like explaining, but as the title says, on w/the rant.

Went to the Downtown Street Fair tonight w/my sister. We parked a few blocks away. At some point we were passing a catholic church that I used to go to when I was a kid (before I broke away completely). She made a comment about them completely re-doing the landscaping (which, in my opinion, was beautiful before). I made an off-hand comment about the money being better suited toward helping others. I said something about trying to be a Buddhist (meant, being a good Buddhist). Talked about finding it hard to do/be b/c of my anger towards others & lack of compassion for idiots & being judgmental, blah blah blah. Doesn’t matter, she wasn’t listening. I can always tell when someone’s not listening to me.

On the way back, we passed the church again. She cracked some joke about stopping for confession.. I never did confession. I broke away before I even got my first communion. Too much stuff went on when i was younger (for those that know me, i don’t have to explain any further. for those that don’t, the explanation is too long & rambling) & I just left the church behind. Had friends try to pull me back in when I was younger, but that just made me turn away even more. Either way.. I think I’m back to being completely agnostic. I can’t be a good  Buddhist right now. I have too much disgust & anger.

What else.. what else… there was a guy standing on a corner playing acoustic guitar w/an open guitar case. I wanted to throw money in but didn’t have any. I never seem to have the means to help the people I want to. It made me think of seeing Roger (crazy drunk that used to come into BK & swear at the customers. threw a coffee cup across the lobby & told me to fuck off one day b/c I wouldn’t give him free coffee) standing on the median of the street w/his sign "Disabled. Need help." He needs AA is what he needs. 

Finally.. straw that broke the camels back. My sister brought up the point of my father’s ashes (half of his ashes) sitting in the back room of her apartment. Saying we should do something w/them on his birthday (August 27th). Spreading them in a plot or something.. she talked about us working on that day & the whole thing sounded so simplified that it made me want to scream. Most days I convince myself that he’s still alive & we’re just.. still not talking. I hate when I’m forced to face my own delusions.

That’s it. Not journal-worthy. But at least I got it out of my system.