Once again, Panic Attack

3:05 pm

Having a panic attack right now. It’s my fault. I can’t handle smoking a ton anymore. I took Misty out for a walk then went out to the porch to smoke a cigarette. I was sitting there in the chair & the next thing you know, everything in my vision is coated w/this clear slime. Everything feels too real & yet fake at the same time. I could feel the muscles in my legs suddenly contract & it felt like this feeling just climbing up my body. My stomach clenched & my heart went into overdrive.

So now I’m sitting here listening to Chevelle & trying to calm myself. I need to write. Not b/c I have anything to say but b/c it steals away my mind from everything in the world. The blinking cursors keeps me aware of what I’m thinking about.

I love Chevelle.. something about the guys voice. If he weren’t singing any words, just the melody.. you’d have a pretty good idea type of thing he was singing about. At least, that’s the way I feel about it. "Closure" breaks my heart to listen to me. I don’t know.. the lyrics just fuck w/me. A song about someone that loves someone whom they can never have. This someone finally realizes that they will never have this person. W/relief, they think this has giving them closure on the issue. Thoughts continue, yadda yadda yadda.. The someone suddenly realizes that this realization is no grand epiphany. In fact, it changes nothing. B/c they just can’t let it go.. they can’t give up on that person.. ever.

I don’t think it’s about the creepy people that are like this. The ones that say, "If I can’t have her/him, no one will!" & commit a homicide-suicide thing. It’s just someone that is so determined in their idea of love for this person that they are willing to wait forever.. until this person realizes that that someone has been there all along & they’re ready to be w/them. I don ‘t think it has anything to do w/lack of feelings.. but more shit that just keeps them apart. I’m probably reading into it too much, but whatever.

Just realized that I’m actually journaling in a diary. Ha.

The ending of "Closure" makes me want to put a fist through the wall. Not now though, for some reason.

*sigh* I think the panic attack is subsiding now (over 20 minutes after it initially started).  A shower sounds good right about now.. cleansing somehow.