Insight

2:19 am
Listening to: "New Ice Age" by Alpinestars & various stuff  by Metric

I hate my cd burning program. For some reason, it feels the need to process the tracks before it even starts burning the cd. Annoying. As a result, it takes almost 30 minutes to burn a single cd. I miss Record Now. Too bad it just came installed on my other machine so I couldn’t move it to my new one. I remember it taking 4 minutes to burn a cd. Oh well, gives me the time to write in here while it’s burning.

One cd done, only about 3 or 4 cds to go. That’s what I get for deciding to make Alicia cds of most of my alternative music collection from my computer. I like doing this sort of thing at this hour. I work better at night.. I’m more awake at this time than any other time of the day. I’ve always liked the idea of being busy at work on something while most people are sleeping. It often gives me the illusion of being one of very few people still alive in the world. Yadda yadda yadda.

I haven’t felt like talking news in writing these entries lately. Sometimes, I give into it for lack of better things  to write about. Who was it that said that it doesn’t matter what you write so long as you write? That the most important thing for any writer is to write as much as possible & to keep in good practice of writing on a regular basis? I keep meaning to do that, but I have this need to make everything I write interesting & well-worded. B/c I get frustrated w/ my perfectionism, I don’t write (anything) nearly as much as I used to. I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, but maybe I will make that one.

What I want to do most of the time is to just write about thoughts that run laps in my head. Writing about such things is metaphorically similar to pulling the plug in the drain of a sink (at times, a bathtub) to let the water out. If I don’t write about these things, they just keep running laps until finally, they burrow their heels into the dirt of my unconscious mind & end up in my dreams. 

Earlier today I was thinking about how I’m always in love w/more than one person at a time, usually two, occasionally three. Usually, I’m in a relationship w/ one of the people, & trying to ignore my feelings for the other. I’ve never been good at getting rid of my feelings. It’s sort of like big magnets. Once the opposite sides are in direct contact, it’s hard to pull them apart. Even when you do, just placing them near to each other, there’s this force pulling them together. That’s me & others.

Often I’ve been accused of not caring enough about other people. I know that I come off as really aloof most of the time. That’s an issue that’s an old one & it would take many many pages to go into it. The truth is that I don’t like most people, & I feel a connection w/even fewer. However, when I do like someone & feel a strong connection w/them, I tend to have a lot of trouble letting go of them. Even the idea of them in a particular way I have difficulty letting go of. I guess that’s the reason for that.

As far as romantic relationships go in this sense, once I fall in love w/someone, I never completely fall out of love w/them. In some cases, my love for them remains as strong as ever & I learn to cope w/it being unrequited. Knowing the person is worth the pain of rejection. As far as friendships go, there are very few people that I feel I love. But the same remains true. For example, Alicia. Shes my best friend & she’s pissed me off several times in the 14 years that I have known her. No matter how mad I’ve been at her, every time I’ve still felt a love for her so strong that if it were a physical being, it would have the ability to rip me in half.

Sadly, our society frowns upon the idea of being polyamorous as well as just being in love w/more than one person. Society passes so many more judgments on love than they do hate.  Why is that, I wonder. Something to meditate on, I guess.