Bad Karma?

Friday, 12:21 am
Listening to: "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star

I must have wronged someone recently or something. Maybe it’s just old shit coming back to haunt me. I’ve had a rough week.

Just got over the infection in my left ear when my car shitted out on me. The ignition (the one I’ve been having problems w/since I got the car) locked up for good on Monday. After five minutes of screwing w/it, I got out & walked to work. Tried working w/it Tuesday after work, no luck. Had it towed down to the shop on Wednesday. I guess the ignition switch went out. Got it back today to the tune of $230. Ouch. The tow was only $45 though.. so at least there’s that.

Broke my toe two days ago. I was speed walking around the office & rammed my left pinky toe into the leg of my coffee table. I heard it crack & a sharp pain went flying all the way up my leg. It’s swollen & all sorts of fun colors now. Worked my 8 hour shift on it on Wednesday. Longest shift I’ve worked in a long time. Went from being the hare to being the tortous. Haven’t bothered to see a doctor about it. It’d be costly & all the would do is buddy tape my toe (which I’ve already done) & perscribe me pain meds. That’s the great thing about being a recovering painkiller addict: I refuse to take any. So I’ve just been dealing w/the pain. I think it will get better once the swelling goes down.

Got into a big shitty discussion w/Shaun on Monday after work. He asked me, "Do you still love me?" I told him I didn’t know. The conversation lasted for hours. When he talked about us breaking up, he said now he has no one he’s close to. I told him, "We can still be friends. I still care about you." To which, he replied, "No. We can’t. I don’t think I’d ever want to see you again. It would hurt too much." In the end, we’re staying together. I’m too scared of what he will do if we don’t. Plus, I don’t think I could deal w/never seeing him again. We both cried b/c he told me I was breaking his heart.

Since then, the feelings have come back a little. Maybe it just took me seeing what would happen to make me realize things. Earlier today, I rested my head on his lap. I felt so safe.. I must have been wiped out too b/c I fell asleep for an hour. Awoke to the smell of him cooking us dinner. I need to remind myself to appreciate what I’ve got instead of wanting more. I think that’s really the only way for me to stay happy.. maybe that’s really the only way for anyone to stay happy?

Peace.