Arms Entwined.

12:48 am
Listening to: "Love Hurts" by Incubus & "Lose You" by Pete Yorn

I can feel the dried tears on the rims of my eyes. I see that it should be me there & it’s not. I can’t just get over what I did. This is as much as I’ll probably ever cry over it. I’m not much for crying. Usually, it’s tears that well up in my eyes & dry, never having touched my cheeks. That’s as far as I’m going w/that. I’m feeling sorry for myself & I don’t really want to go on about it in here. 

I’ve been struck w/a bad case of writer’s block. I skipped writing my paragraph on Sunday. By the time I got off work, the left side of my upper back was burning where I pulled that partially healed torn muscle. I just wanted to close my eyes & go to sleep. Not wanting to skid on the slippery slope of skipping it again, I’m sitting here trying to think of something, anything.. or maybe what I have already typed will just have to suffice.

"Stop before you fall into the hole I have dug here."

I’ve kind of dumped making hemp jewelry. I haven’t made a single piece in like two months. I’m not even completely sure about it. When I think about it, all I can think about is what a waste I am. Often, the things that I do are just a waste of other people’s support & attention. I got all fired up about making all that stuff & selling it. Got a few others excited about it too.. & then I just.. stopped.

Maybe it’s that I felt frustrated w/coming up w/new designs. Maybe it’s that it ceased to be a real outlet for me. Maybe it’s b/c my hands are always an over-worked mess. Maybe I finally let that little voice in my head win (the one that always screams that what I do is not important. If it seems important, it’s always an illusion). Maybe it’s all that stuff.

Sometimes, I just get sensory overload sometimes. Well, more like sensory & emotional overload. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel at peace is putting on my headphones, listening to music, putting my head down on my desk & just closing my eyes. There’s always just too much stuff going on. Days like today, I don’t feel like writing about it or talking about any of it to anyone.

Spent time w/Alicia today. It was nice. A little crazy though. Lots of talking & stuff… It was really good to see her. I really missed her a lot.

"I just have to wander through this world, alone."

Entry finished at: 1:44 am