On A Beautiful Day ….

It seemed like such a beautiful autumn day when I got out of work this morning.  The sun was shining after weeks of rain, the air was cool, the sky the bluest of blues …. and so I came home and opened up the house to let the fresh air take the place of the air conditioned air of an entire summer.  I let the patio door wide open so the dogs could come and go as they pleased into the fenced in back yard.

I cleaned the house, vacuumed the floors, and roasted a chicken for a later meal.  When it came out of the oven at 11:30 the dogs were eager to see if I would start sharing early, and so I did.  Cody in particular was in seventh heaven.  He’s a 14 year old golden retriever with terrible arthritis in his hind end … but his tail was up and wagging and he had that goofy adorable golden retriever smile on his face.

Around noon I was just finishing up with the cleaning and noticed that Cody wasn’t coming back inside and outside to monitor the state of the chicken …. which is his favorite thing to do when I am cooking.  So I looked out back and he was lying under a tree …. just lying there chilling.

He’s is one of the largest golden retrievers I have ever seen.  A lean 125 pounds ….. tall enough to lay his chin on a standard kitchen counter.  He was discovered as a young pup in Biloxi Mississippi during the aftermath of hurricane Katrina by the son of my best friend who was stationed there as a Navy Seal.  He adopted him, and when he got out of the service and came home two years later, there was no room for a big dog at their new apartment, and so I became his new human.

He instantly loved me as I d0 him ….. such a good dog.  He was still a mischievous youngster back then …. digging a large hole in the middle of a new king sized mattress during his first thunderstorm alone, but even then he adorably hung his head and greeted me at the door as if to apologize before I discovered the damage.  I’m a push over ….. I simply turned the mattress and shook my head in disbelieve.  He looked so pathetic I didn’t have the heart to be very angry for very long.

Instead of yelling or screaming, I just sucked it up and together we learned how to deal with his terror of thunder storms.

Another 15 minutes went by and still Cody hadn’t returned to inspect the state of said roasted chicken, so I looked out back and he was still lying under the tree ….. he looked up and wagged his tail at me, but made no move to get up …. something looked funny …. so I went outside and went to him and he tried to get up but couldn’t.

His left leg looked swollen and wasn’t moving correctly, he already has advanced arthritis in his hind end so this was not a good scenario.  I felt him all over, and he whimpered when I got to his left leg …. I tried to set him up …. but I myself am somewhat disabled ….. I need a cane to get around and recently saw an orthopedic surgeon for a acute upon chronic knee problem that will most likely require a knee replacement in the not too distant future …. we’re working with physical therapy at the moment, a knee brace and the cane ….

I couldn’t budge him an inch …. so I went inside and got a sheet and tried to roll him onto that and drag him, but I still couldn’t budge him though he was happily attempting to help me help him.  Trying to stand, falling in dog pooh to the other side of him …. yuk.

After 30 minutes I finally had to give up and call someone …. anyone …. and as sometimes seems to happen when there is an emergency …. none of my friends were answering … the veterinarian’s office was closed, the nearest animal hospital about 20 miles away …. and so I called the police department to see if they had any ideas .. on how to get the dog to the car so I could take him for medical help.

Thank heaven I live in a small enough town that a police officer actually did come to the house, and he summoned a few people from the fire department and they were able to load poor Cody into my car.  He was so good …. he was nuzzling the men and wagging his tail, it was clear he hadn’t had a stroke …. it seemed to be some kid of injury but I hadn’t seen or heard anything out of the ordinary so I have no idea how it came to be that he injured his front leg …..

I called ahead to the animal trauma center and they came to the car with a doggy stretcher on wheels and got him inside …. and the basic news was …. at 14 he is equivalent to a 90 year old, from the crepitis heard when the vet examined his leg he was fairly certain there was a bad break …. he said he could give him a pain shot and some x-rays and see if he would get up then …. but the bottom line was, at his size with my abilities (or lack thereof) making a loving decision now might be something to think about. The break may very well be due to a bone cancer rather than an injury due to other lumps and bumps he felt along other parts of his neck and abdomen.

And there you have it ….. a 14 year old dog who has two lame back legs that barely hold his weight …. always scrambling and scrabbling to get up and down …… now has only one good front leg …. and an owner who cannot lift him to get him from point A to point B let alone hold him upright long enough to go to the bathroom ….. and of limited financial means, not exactly a difficult decision but an awfully painful one for me.

I stayed to the end.    It was peaceful.  I layed on the floor vets office with him and pet him and talked to him as it was all happening.  If there is any solace to be had at all …. it is that his last day was a nice one.   He got to go on a car ride, he was able to meet the firemen (he loves meeting new people, his previous owner was a member of the fire team that responded) he got to eat roast chicken, he got one day of freedom to go indoors and outdoors at will, he was brushed and groomed this morning and loved up before I started cleaning the house …. and even though the ending was not happy, I would like to think that at the very least, he had been having a good day right up until the end.

So why do I feel so terribly guilty?