Unwelcome

I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend last night. (not Douche Bag, the guy before him). I don’t recall all the details. I felt sad. He comforted me. There was sex. I’m leaving out the part that seeing him, remembering him, dragging up old shit. Butterflies and heartbreak and longing.

I loved him in ways I don’t think most people experience. If you looked it up in a psychology text book they might use words like unhealthy and in the end I can agree with that. At the time however, it felt like exactly what love should be. It felt like he had cracked open my ribs and had my heart in his hands. Just complete vulnerability.

Imagine you are at the grand canyon and you climb over the rails and stand at the very edge of the cliff. As you peer down the cliff, you get this feeling of vertigo. Your feet are firmly on the ground, but you feel light, as if a strong wind could blow you over.. You know those rails are meant for safety, that you are on the wrong side of them and people think you are stupid. But the view is so much clearer from here and everything inside of you feels so alive.

That was what loving him was like. Constantly approaching that edge until one day he pushed me off.

You would die if you fell off a massive cliff. You don’t die when your heart breaks so thoroughly. It is just never the same afterwards.

I unblocked the Douche Bag after talking to him when he dropped our son off on Sunday night. He said he would try to answer my questions. So I wrote him last night, at about 8:45 pm; If you couldn’t admit that you had been cheating, why couldn’t you have told me we needed to work on our relationship before buying a house or having another baby? I wasn’t even a bitch about it. I just honestly feel like he owes me an explanation. He didn’t seem like this much of a prick.

He didn’t answer me and when I asked again at 10:15, he said that his battery was almost dead and he was going to bed. I told him he is still a fucking liar and blocked him again. Shrug.

More days than not that I think there is nothing he could do to make it work but for some stupid reason I still want him to try.