Choices
I had a rough night last night. None of my usual distractions were all that distracting. My thoughts were drowning in self pity and demanding answers that Douche Bag isn’t capable of answering.
I found one of the women’s profiles. I mean… I have seen several of the profiles but there was one in particular that bothered me. He had gone to drop some things off at my niece’s home that I was giving away. He stayed over there for hours. He came back that night saying that they got busy talking and he just lost track of time.
You know what I was doing? I was doing the chores around the house that he was supposed to help me with that day.
My niece wasn’t there but her room mate was and he had some friends over. He exchanged phone numbers with her and attempted to make a date and was talking on snap chat with her. (Mind you. I have snap chat. I would send him silly pictures of me and baby and he never fucking talked to me on snap chat so it hurts even more that he was using the fucking app for cheating…. he had a snap chat long before I did “because his brother was bugging him to use it”, I got it because my daughters convinced me for “streaks”).
So, my niece found out about the two of them talking. This was late April or early May. She told him she would tell me if he didn’t back off.
She told me this after I found out about the cheating. I am angry at my niece for not telling me. I am angry at him that I can’t trust him to fucking run a damn errand with out him putting his dick in front of his family.
So I confront him to confirm that it was the right girl. I guess just because I wanted to know. He ignored my texts about it for 3 days until I literally blew up his phone last night pasting the same message “Is that the girl?” over and over. He says something like “WTF, Stop” and still avoided answering and I continued to paste the same texts. He said “Yes, fuck, why does it matter?” I asked him why he keeps saying that he wants to make it work and yet he still can’t answer a stupid fucking question.
And I told him he was asking to get herpes by sleeping with that skanky looking meth whore.
Don’t act like you don’t know the fucking type when you see them. When they are still young but they look sucked up and old, wear make up like they work at the strip joint to cover how much they have picked the fuck out of their face.
( I sound so anti woman right now and I am sorry. I support strippers, and I don’t blame the women he talked to for being the “other women”. But the women he chose.. most who look to be addicts or ex addicts, who don’t work or can’t keep a job, who bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend to whoever will pay the bill… it makes me angry that he chose to be with me, who had a home, a career, and takes fucking care of my family, to cheat with some girl that gets high all day. It’s the story with a lot of men… he wants me for security but doesn’t actually want to be a fucking grown up after all.)
I can’t live where I live and raise 5 kids on my own. People keep saying how fucking strong I am but looking back, I have stayed too long in shitty relationships for many reasons but one being simply, I am fucking alone out here. I have no family in the area. I have friends but not the type of friends that you can ask to watch your kid for you because you have another fucking kidney infection and you need to go to the hospital at 9pm. (Yeah that actually happened). I have friends but not the type that I can call to help with a simple repairs that i can’t do on my own. I barely even feel comfortable calling them to talk about how shitty I feel. I put on a brave face and make jokes and say I will be fine.
I really don’t know if I will be fine. If I don’t do something different I am going to end up in a another shitty relationship with another shitty man just so that way I have someone for emotional support or I will end up just spiraling until I end up losing everything. There is not a lot of supports here for low income families. It is a rich area that I moved into before it became rich.
So I have thought a lot about what choices are left for me.
#1: Get back With Douche Bag until I am more financially stable
On the positive:
my house needs repairs that I can’t fix, I could go back to school to complete my BSN next year which would double my pay easily, and having another set of hands with an infant and toddler (while working FT, while managing older kids, a house hold… etc. etc.), my older kids would be close to their father and in the same school district, I could sell the house for nearly double the money after the repairs are done….
On the negative:
I hate his fucking face, he has not done a single thing since the discovery of the affairs for me to trust him, it’s only a matter of time before he does some other horrifying double life that he lies to me about, and I think living with him would destroy any sort of respect I have for myself, and if I want to move on and find a healthy relationship, staying with him would only prolong that. And I think it would be very confusing for my older kids to have him here… It would take a year before I can enter the BSN program and the program is 18 months… So were are talking about staying with him for 2.5 years and who knows what he will do. What if he left me for someone else mid-school? Then what?
#2 Moving Closer to My Mom
On the positive:
I have a lot of family there and my mom and aunt have a huge social circle. They have regular dinners together, go out regularly on Friday night and are active in the community… I could sell my home, reinvest in a home near them which is much cheaper than a home out here.. and the company I work for miraculously does have a location there. I could transfer jobs and later, I could find another job. There is a lack of qualified candidates there and I would have more job opportunities with my degree. I could rely on help from family for extra help outside of day care. And I need space from Douche Bag.
On the negative:
They live in a small little town that feels very family friendly on the outside, but having cousins that grew up there, I also know that it is rampant with addiction. It is sort of like the last stop before the end of civilization and all the people running away from something just end up stuck there. The schools are crappy and several of my cousins already have teens that are using drugs/have kids or are pregnant, and have been heavily involved with CPS. I am afraid being closer to them would influence my kids. I would have to fight custody for the kids with my ex if I wanted to move them but I am not sure if that would be in their best interest, given the family addiction/crappy schools. If I moved with out them, would they feel like I chose my younger kids over them? And although I have a fairly good relationship with the ex’s partner, she is a little bit manipulative when she doesn’t get her way and uses those tactics on the kids. (i.e., she invaded may daughters privacy by reading her messages on her phone, and when she saw her complain about her, she threatened to leave their dad and never do anything for them again because “they all hate her”. Well, they are fucking teenagers. They act sort of self absorbed and are mean to their parental figures sometimes and if she hadn’t invaded their privacy in the first place and went looking for shit, she wouldn’t see them venting to their FRIENDS about PARENTS. OMG!)
# Stay
Positive:
My living costs (with out needed repairs) is lower than rent in the area. The kids enjoy the split custody, we both are in the same school district and they get the support of both parents as needed. I have a job here that I don’t hate that is only a mile from my house. My son is in an excellent preschool and the school district here is the best in the state.
Negative:
My house needs a new roof this year. There is no getting around that. I also have a ton of other things that are not as vital but also need repairs. My HOA is always on my ass about things that need to be fixed and between working and taking care of kids and dealing with depression with no support… I stressed for weeks about getting a piece of trim replaced along my roof (pregnant lady on a ladder anyone?) and contacted everyone I knew for help and no one came through. Finally Douche Bag did it before the HOA “evicted me” for a broken piece of trim. I don’t really know I will be able to keep the house and the wait list for low income housing is averaging 2 years…. I can’t afford the loan to pay for the repairs and I have been on the wait list for over a year to apply for assistance to get repairs done “to prevent the house from being condemened”) The WAIT LIST … to APPLY. And if I sold my house as is, I couldn’t afford to reinvest in a home with in an hour radius of where I currently live.
Last night I felt really confident that right now, I need family support more than anything. This morning I am back to feeling like I am failing my kids if I move away from them but setting them up for addiction and teen age pregnancy if they move with me. Not to mention what that means for my toddlers growing up there.
Sigh.