Reasons Why I’m a Bad Boyfriend/Don’t Date

i.e. Reasons I won’t be dating anyone in the near future. <p.

1. I'm far too attached to Jacinta. I simply don't want anyone else. I realize this doesn't apply to Jacinta, but it's a huge thing for all the other girls out there; I just don't look at them in the way right now.

2. I feel that my relationship with Jacinta is better as-is. There’s too much potential for hurt for her if we get together again. A lot of the problems of our relationship from before, the distance, the hiding, etc, would all be all that much more present. I don’t want her to be bothered like that, I honestly don’t. Then there’s always the shot that her parents flip out on me again for ‘manipulating and abusing’ their daughter. Pfft, as wrong as that is, it’s much more likely to happen that way. And if we were to cut communication completely….that’d be as much of a blow to out feelings for each other as getting together would be. We both feel a huge deal for each other yet, it’s so obvious. So for now, it’s better to be as we are rather than to go any other way. We might get back together or we might eventually stop talking and that’s fine. Just not right now. That’ll happen in future years, not now.

3. I don’t want to date anyone right now. Nuff said.

4. I still have a lot of problems in myself that I’m working on. I found out the hard way that a lot of those problems project themselves strongly on those I love…I don’t want them to have to deal with my problems. They’re mine and they should stay that way until I figure out how to fix them or avoid them.

5. I’m demanding of attention and time. I’m working on this but it comes so naturally to constantly want to be around my loved ones…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to kick it completely.

6. I’m a dreamer. I think that, to an extent, I really revere the ones I love most. And while I know I still see them as human and not something ‘supernatural’ I think that it bothers them.

7. Similarily, everything I do is strongly. I try to be passionate about everything I do, to do everything I do with as much thoughtful focus as I can manage when balancing against all the other things I feel for. This can be a lot like six, but it can also be something that detracts from the relationship, too. I can devote nearly all my focus to something I feel about and not give as much attention to my love as I should. When I do that I don’t focus on her as much as I should be and I miss things…and then problems sometimes come up.

8. I worry and fear too often. I’m overprotective. I’m too used to losing the things I love. At times I can be almost paranoid about protecting them. I think I’ve come far in fixing this, it used to be a lot worse, but it’s still pretty strongly there. I’m actually pretty worried right now; Jacinta disappeared again for a couple days…that with no warning bothers me quite a lot. I don’t want her to have to deal with another raid from her parents, I know it bothered her and hurt her trust in them a lot. I don’t want her relationship with them to suffer and I don’t hers with me to suffer, either. I just want her to be ok and to smile and to be happy and to feel loved. That’s more than enough reason to be very, very worried, at least for me. And that’s not even touching on my worry and fear for myself. That’s there, too.

9. I don’t like myself much. While I don’t have much of a problem with how I am now, I’m making mostly small mistakes that aren’t that big of a deal (even though they still need to be corrected), I still dislike myself on the whole. I wasn’t a very good person growing up and I know that. I was cruel and mean to my little brother just like others were to me. I was cruel to my classmates who used to pick on me and hurt me too. I hated them as well. I nearly hated my mother as well. I don’t talk to my family or my parents right now. I was manipulative of others in middle-ish school, too. I did all sorts of mean, mean things as a kid. All of these things are very very wrong, they’re very not like the person I want to be. They definately outbalance the good things I’m just starting to do. It’s been a good 6 years since I’ve started switching back over to this side but now I feel I’m finally on the good side again….but I still have 6 years of badness and almost evil to make up for. It’ll be a long time, I think, before I stop disliking myself. But it’s my sincerest hope that eventually I do reach that point. I don’t like disliking myself.

10. I don’t care about sex. Yes, it’s petty compared to my other reasons, but I don’t really give a damn about whether or not I have sex. It IS a reason why I’m not pursuing a relationship with anyone, after all.

11. I don’t need romance. As much as I like it I can survive without it. It’s been over a year, now. If I can handle a year, I can handle five. If I can handle five, well then I’m set. I have faith in my ability to live without it, even if I really hate not having affection in my life.

12. I need to focus on myself right now. To really help change myself even more I need to focus on myself. I can’t be focusing on someone else’s problems. I need to hold my grip just a little longer yet. I need to make these good things I’m doing good habits that’ll stay for life and I need to kick my bad habits. They’re not so easy to break, it takes time.

13. I’m still hurting from my last relationship. It’s my pain to endure, not someone else’s. To push it on someone else would be…unloving and selfish. I don’t think it’ll end either, it’s been echoing over and over and it’s always as strong as it was last time. I just…ignore it a lot of the time now. I try not to think about it rather than looking at it. I feel that it’ll probably stay as long as I feel as strongly as I do about her. With no replacement, I wonder how long it will last, if that’ll last forever or years or just a few more months.

14. I want to do too much. I’m not going to have the time to focus on someone else…I need to focus on my school right now. I’m going to want to focus a lot on school in the future and my faith, too. Then I want to find a place that calls to me, a place where I need to go to. The more and more I see and the more and more I feel, the more I realize I don’t belong here in America. I belong somewhere else, I keep feeling that I should be helping people. I belong in someplace like Ethiopia, teaching and helping others to live and to achieve the equality with the rest of the world like they deserve. People from countries like that are just like the homeless; they’re poor, usually a bit different and perhaps dirty but they’ve been trodden upon by everyone else, but they’re still people. They’re just like any other group. Even the ruling upper class of whites are the same as the poor and as the homeless. Every group has their winners and losers. Every group has their gifted and their average and they’re below. Everyone is important, every group is important. I want to see equality for everyone. If I ever do go to a place like Tthiopia, then that’d be a helluva negative thing for a relationship if I don’t find a girl who’s willing to (and wants to) do that with me. It’d be a total relationship-breaker. And even if it’s not Ethiopia, it might be somewhere else. It depends on what calls to me; I’ll know it when I see it. There’s more beyond that, too. I also want to experience other

peoples and their culture; a lot of women I know don’t want to do that sort of thing. I want to go to the rain forest and live with a tribe for a time. Hunt and eat and live like they do for a few months. I want to go to australia and live with the aboriginals. I want to go to indonesia and live on the coast and hunt and fish and live with them, too. I want to travel to the middle-east and live with a small group of people there. I want to travel to india and live with a farmer. I want africa, too, alaska, tibet and china. All the poor and all the tribal peoples left…I want to live like that. I want to experience life like that, I want to be in better touch with nature. I hate feeling out of touch by all this selfless technology all the time. It’s good sometimes, but I want to the opportunity to go out and experience more. A lot of those things would be relationship breakers.

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Yhere are others, but I’ve lost too much steam. I want to focus on other things now. Take care.