Moving #1

The tone int he air, tonite, seems rich with meaning, with thought. It’s almost touchable, so tangible the sense of it is.

Why? I cannot honestly say. All the things around me seem trivial….does importance stem from nonimportance? I don’t believe so. It seems fairly counterintuitive to look at it any other way…if we could simply apply meaning where we felt, then, perhaps, the entire world would see it as well. Perhaps not.

Either way, the events leading to this moment are numerous, yet unimportant all. I’ve finished moving….finshed unpacking, fixed most of our troubles, and much more since I’ve last written. More recently, I finished reheating and eating spaghetti, setting up my computer to a ‘working’ extent and finished cycling through some movies. Porn, some. Comedy, Others.

But what concerns me tonite is the porn. Usually it gets me excited or at least interested. Although, granted, it didn’t used to so much, lately I’ve been far more sexual. But tonite it wasn’t so much like that. It was different…it excited a yearning, yes, but not a sexual one so much. I just want to be touched…I want to be felt, to be held, to be loved. I want to remember what it feels like to be kissed with abandon; so fervantly.

…I miss that. I miss my love. I guess that’s all it is. Generic pangs of lonliness? May be. Doesn’t mean they affect me less, though.

What’s worse is that there is basically nothing I can do. Either I kill (or at least seriously hurt) my chances in the future with a woman I already know and respect and love…a woman who has ‘staying’ power with me (that is, we like many of the same things, will have many things we’d love to do together for life, have many things we’re both interested in trying/doing together, we talk and are compatible intellectually and spiritually, she has the qualities I’d want in a wife/mother althought right now I don’t want either, just looking to the possible future, etc.) and chance things going terribly again with her or getting used, or losing irrevocably kill that possible, although, perhaps, unlikely, future with someone I already know is amazing and worthwhile for a transient worthless love. No, not love. Transient satisfaction, transient limerance.

On the other hand if I don’t move I stay lonely. She can’t, and on many levels I feel she won’t/won’t let herself be what I want (or need? I’m not sure. Probably just want) her to be for me (perhap ‘need’ her to be ‘for’ something. Let’s not explain too much or the variations to this, and there are those, and keep it simple and say ‘need her to be so that i can, hopefully, revert back to feeling as loved and as taken care of and as safe as I used to.” Those things are very important to me…I feel naked in many ways [although not unsafe, I have very thick armour for the most part] and alone). I know that I can’t push her in any direction and I won’t (at least conciously, I have a feeling I probably will subconciously…my mind has a way of pushing me towards the things I want to happen without my knowing even when I know they’re not the best choices); I’ve done enough for dark things…I won’t do her wrong if I can help it. And it’s BOTH of our choices, not just mine. If it’s to go that way again, she needs to come to me this time….she deserves her space and, I think, needs it right now for reasons outside of merely punishments and future repercussions. So all I speak of is being lonely, that’s all. No pressure or desire to pressure, only a little talking about it; talking always helps….she knows I don’t expect or even want her (on some levels) to act on and try to clear up MY problems….she knows I talk because the talking itself always helps a great deal. All I do is talk, that’s all, no pressure. That’s what she deserves.

That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it though, as you might be able to guess from reading so far. I actually wonder and think and dream about it quite a lot. I’d say three to twenty times a day…and although it varies as to how many times i think or remember her deeply enough to feel the lonliness poignantly (I remember or think of her a lot, but only when it’s particularily strong, so strong that I think longer on it, think actively on it, does my sense of loss kick in. And even then it’s only sometimes; we have a lot of happy memories too.) it doesn’t very at night. I remember and think of her every night before I sleep. 7 months (or more?), still every night….and every night is more than the “oh, dancing lessons. Jacinta would like that…me too, probably. I bet we could probably learn to be exellent dancers.” sort of thoughts that pop up for a second, then I move on with the rest of my day. Every night it’s much deeper than that, every night it’s what I go to bed to. Wondering and thinking of her til I sleep. Thank God it usually has more of a galvanizing effect than a debilitating one, heh. But sometimes the sense of loss is so strong, like tonite. I just don’t know to deal with it and move on. It’s nothing new, nothing special, it’s regular now. And I know I’m doing the right thing and that I don’t really want the companionship of another girl….I just want my physical cravings satisfied. There’s simply nothing else there, I don’t WANT a relationship, I just want to be touched. There’s nothing else there I want…it’s just not worth it and chances are I won’t do it either. I don’t want to mess up my already-slim chances for Jacinta’s hand once more. And beyond that I’d feel like I’d be cheating her again once again. I’ve done it before; not more. She deserves much better, needs much better. Even if nothing is in our future, right now I can’t cheat her and i won’t. Maybe later on things will change….maybe later on it won’t be denying her of the devotion and trust she deserves but to me, for now, that’s what it is. So even if she never knew about it, I’d be bothered about them. SO I won’t. I know we’re both doing what we have to, I know this ‘find another girl’ business is pretty far-fetched. But I still wonder and think about it, I don’t know why. Is my desire for closeness so strong that, since I won’t let myself satisfy them unconciously, they’re beginning to emerge into my conciousness? I don’t know. Maybe kicking it around is good for me, helps me to keep my eyes on the goal. Maybe not. But I think of her and of these things all the same, and often, too. Though not so much finding others to satisfy my feelings necessarily…but of being lonely is pretty often.

I wonder if all lovers who’ve let their loved ones free yearn and pang like this. It’s rapidly getting to be a year and I don’t any change will be happening anytime soon with this….do others wait like this too? Am I being too overbearing, too much? Is it wrong to sit and wait like this? I guess it’s all aesthetics anyway; I’d wait anyway even if i knew it was wrong. It’s very much my greatest hope that my sweet dove flies back to me, now that she’s free and no longer caged.

I sit on my chair with the window open and watch the sky as the sun sinks beneath the horizen. I hope she’s flying, soaring and that all is well. I still wait, patiently and without hope. I still smile and do well, though. As long as she flies, regardless of where…that’s enough for me. I can be happy with that. She belongs to me as she does to the world; they deserve to see her and love her too. She kn

ows she always has a place with me if she wants; she knows other homes are ok too as long as she’s satisfied and taken care of in them. As the sky purples and the sun’s blazing trail across the heavens fades, as the moon begins to shine and the stars flicker into existance; I sit and wait.