Looking for something

Looking for something…
Looking for something…
Something new, something good, something fast,
Something exciting.
Looking for something…
Looking for something…
Something warm, something real, something strong,
Something exciting.
Something exciting.

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And something uplifting. I was asked earlier today, “Are you happy Angel?” It wasn’t something I expected to say the least. And even more unexpected is that I couldn’t answer. I didn’t really know where I was as far as my own happiness. In large part I still don’t. I know that I’m satisfied with the things I’m doing and I’m definately enjoying a lot of aspects of my life now…but am I happy? It really struck me that I just didn’t know. My own placement and happiness has been a non-issue for such a long time that I think I must’ve lost track of it unwittingly. Perhaps that’s even for the better. If I don’t put myself up high on my list of priorities I’ll do a better job of focusing on those around me. It’s natural for me to keep myself taken care of as far as keeping myself capable of continuing to move. Maybe I won’t be happy, but I can keep moving for the ideals I cling to and thus, having constantly moved to fufill my aspirations and idealism, I have to be at least somewhat satisfied with myself. I’m no longer at the point where I naturally sit and become stagnant; even when I’m just sitting now I’m constantly working on myself. Self-improvement and moving for higher goals is finally starting to take hold and self-perpetuate. Took a good 6+ months for it to happen, but it’s starting to. So at the very least I’m somewhat satisfied. How can I be anything less when, even in my dark times, I continue to breathe life into my chosen causes? Jacinta told me she sees that in me…and she’s a better judge of me than I am. I know that in large part I have a very distorted view of myself so it’s best to trust others who care for me to tell me what I am and what I’m doing. I trust her and Amy above all, they very much play the wife role for me. See, to me the traditional role of a mate is to keep the other one grounded and to help keep the other in focus. Two sides of the same goal, always balancing each other out. They do that for me. I used to have a few others as well, but as of right now it’s mostly just those two. So if I’m keeping my focus on doing the things I want to be doing, on the things I feel I need to be doing…then how can I be anything less than somewhat satisfied? If nothing else, I’m doing the right thing and I’m being, to some extent, the honour and the faith that I so very much want myself to be. But happy? Thinking more on it, I don’t really think I am. Where I am isn’t bad, but it’s not happiness as I think of it. It’s more of a ‘self-righteous’ than a happy. A powerful feeling, too, yes, but it’s not happiness. It’s more of a…look at me, I can walk this path and you can, too. It’s not just a dream, it’s not impossible…come, take my hand. It’s like that. Not because I’m full of myself or egotistical, but because I sincerely want to help others up to where I am as well…or at the very least help them along with their problems and helping them to be happy as well. It’s….not happy, it’s righteous, it’s honourable. It’s something very powerful and something very good but it’s not a happy. I guess that’s my answer, then. I’m going to still be looking for something more for my own happiness, if I bother to look for it at all. As for right now, though, I’m satisfied with where I am and what I’m doing. Happy? no. Currently alright and satisfied? Yes. That is what my answer should have been and will be if it comes up again.

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Looking for something…
Looking for something…
Something warm, Something good, Something strong,
Something exciting.
Looking for something…
I wanna cherish something,
I wanna feel something warm,
Something real, something exciting,
Something exciting…

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And I think to be truly happy, I’m going to have find that something. Whatever it is. It’s not really important at this point though. Swaying is my normal state, my natural and ‘correct’ state even. Happiness, perhaps, isn’t worth my time. Maybe it goes directly against who I am.