Blog #91

Well, the thing with cingular is *fixed* per se. Paid big monies, but it’s dealt with. Bastages don’t like people canceling contracts on them. Hrm….I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that particular company.

Sent in my stuff for my student loan *proving* that I lived where I did. I still don’t exactly understand why they suddenly don’t believe I live where I do, despite already providing documentation for it for the last loan and already recieving such a loan from them….and shouldn’t they be able to pull up a credit report on me with just my name, social and date of birth anyway? Meh. That one’s the bigger one and it needs to clear up quickly or my thing with school is going to hell real quick. Financial Aid at FullSail is going to check again today…if it’s not fixed today….meh.

My cough is getting worse. -_- I still don’t feel sick besides the cough though, so that’s good. I’m actually still feeling pretty decent lately.

Things with Jacinta are weird (as always since we broke up?) too. Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever regain the closeness that we once had…I really want that back but I’m starting to doubt it. I’m having to guess and wonder about her rather than actually knowing; she’s so closed to me now. I think that I’m still a good guesser, though, at least at this point. I used to know her well and that just doesn’t go away, at least not right away.

She said she needed to maintain her distance for now because she needed to work on things herself. I’m pretty glad she realized that too. She’ll get through it, I have faith in her. Just takes a bit of thinking to get around it and once things click…it will only be a matter of putting the understanding into reality, into giving that knowledge life and a spirit, too. Implementing it. *nods* I don’t exactly know why she needs to do it alone, though…kinda want to know why, to be honest. Or maybe I want to know but I don’t at the same time.

I missed her a lot…it almost bothers me that I did as much as I did even though I think that now I suppressed a lot of it. I didn’t expect myself to react like that and just flood her with some e-mails, which I did. Especially not with ones as important to me as some of the songs I sent her…I think she’ll probably get that, though. Which ones are important I mean, which ones have a deeper meaning (at least to me). I think….that they say far more than words ever could, in their own way. Maybe they say more than I could with words right now…I feel that bit by bit I’m starting to say less and less to her. Why? I guess I have a few reasons….partially because it almost makes me feel like I’m messing things up for her, I guess. Like I’m tripping her up somehow by being loving, by being open and expressive. That parts concious, I think. I’m also just talking less about myself and my feelings in general now. I’ve been thinking….that perhaps the world would be better if a person suffers in silence rather than expressing it. Everyone always tells you: talk, talk, it’ll help to get it out. But all it does is make you feel temporarily a little bit better while spreading it around to others in a much larger amount than the amount it makes better. So why should I bother talking about the things bothering me nowadays? Granted there isn’t all that much that’s serious anymore, but not talking about those things are just a few things I just don’t try to talk about anymore. And for the bigger things, the more important things, the almost religious things, I don’t like talking about those either, especially not with her right now…I’ve been getting nipped at for it and, I don’t know why, it REALLY bothers me. I don’t want her to nip at me too for it…it’d hurt me far more than what others say, and usually what another says barely touches my shell. I don’t even write here too deeply about things like that (and I love to write about the important things) for that reason. So I can only imagine how much it might bother me if she did, too. I think I’m starting to be afraid of her opinions nowadays. I wonder if I’ll trust her again…probably, I think, if things keep going well…but not now. There’s another thing too….she really bothers me with the things like disappearing for about a month even though logically I trust her and know that it wasn’t like…a fight or anything….but the distance really bothered me all the same. So I think that….unconciously I’m a bit worried and leery of her hurting me again so I keep finding myself unconciously keeping my distance…so even less expression.

I hope it’s only a phase though…I love talking to her, I really love her a lot, too. Hopefully it’s just a stupid little phase of worry and all that will pass shortly. She’s really important to me…probably more important than any other person right now…I don’t want my most special and most important relationship to be all funny and weird all the time. It ought to be more reliable like it used to be. *nods* All in good time, I think.

Anyway, I need to get to class. I’m already late because I really wanted to get this out, heh. Well, maybe not, I can run. I should make it on time if I do. Anywho, loves and whatnot. I’m out. ;o