Blog #82

Well, considering how bad yesterday went, I’m surprised at how pleasant I’m feeling today. I’m still bothered by yesterday, oh I know I am, but I’m not allowing it to upset my balance is what it comes down to. My positive outlook and good feelings in general are just more important than letting bad things and bad times get me down. Yeah, I don’t want to go back to the awkward silence but if I have to I’m not going to let it get me down. No point really. She’d want me to be happy so I’m justified in not letting it bother me anyway. And I want to be happy too. It’s only a temporal silence anyway. There’s just no way you could shut the two of us away from each other; in each of us there’s a part that, I think, forever is entwined. A little silence won’t stop that, even if this little silence lasts a lifetime.

So I’m being positive. That’s how I ought to be. I shouldn’t be down all the time. Being down sucks anyway.

Hrm. It’s almost amusing though…it’s like we completely switched roles, her and I. She used to be the one who was positive all the time…now she’s the one upset, seemingly consistantly. I used to be the one with all the big problems and hurts going on in my life that I needed to work around and overcome….now it’s her. She used to be the one trying to comfort…now it’s me. I used to reject her and push her away…now it’s her. Poetic justice of sorts, isn’t it? We always were black and white. Always. Now it seems that she’s now the black one and I’m now the white one. Heh, the thought makes me chuckle some. It’s interesting how the world works sometimes.

I hope she works things out for herself…and I hope she actually does goddamn rely on me to talk to if she really needs it. Her bottling is going to screw her up…it might take a while but it will. -_- She should learn to trust me sometimes. A lot of the time she’s right on things but a lot of the time I’m right, too. Meh. I wish the best for her, all the same. She deserves better.

I deserve better, too. I do good things now, I focus on the good things. I sincerely hope this drama clears up and I’m going to try my best to make it so. I’ll keep trying until it happens. It’ll happen. I believe in us.