Blog #80

Today is shaping up to be a pretty shitty day. To start, I’ve been thinking very heavily on what happened last night with Jacinta. I just can’t get past it that I know she’s upset and there’s nothing I can do about it. The rest of it doesn’t matter as much as that does. I mean, fine, she can get upset and get snippy if things are really going poorly for her, that’s cool and fine, I’m fine with being snipped at if she has a good reason to and she did. But the fact that I can’t help has been bothering me a lot lately.

School went well to begin with. I chilled some, learned some more too. Then I started to drift back again and I had this weird sort of inspiration to write. To write about Jacinta and I. I wrote down a bunch of keywords for our relationship now. 15 to be exact. Then I wrote a bunch of them as the relationship once was, 15 again. Then I realized the transition too and from was very important too, so I wrote down keywords for that as well, again 15. I found an interesting little progression, though. From my point of view, our relationship before had 12 positive words and 3 negative words. Then the transition from together to broken up happened and my keywords switched some. It went from 6 positive to 7 negative words. Then the shocker, where we are at now has only 3 positive words and 12 negative. I guess I hadn’t realized that our relationship now bothers me as much as it did. What I’m talking about isn’t the whole ‘together’ and ‘not together’ thing either. It’s just about the relationship as it is in my eyes. It’s not as positive as it could be, as it should be even. We could be doing much better. I’m going to work on that, I think. Try to improve our relationship and make it something better. Even so, though, even with that goal in mind, coming onto the realization that our relationship is pretty negative wasn’t a pleasant one. Especially since, possibly superficially I see now, I thought we were doing well. Very well even.

Then something small really, really tipped me off. I was brooding about things that bothered me so I think that’s what it might have been. But during 2nd roll I got harassed by the course instructor who was dropping in on the class for some reason unknown to me. My instructor was calling off roll and I was looking through my newspaper while he was. See, my name is near the top of the list and we have so many people that it takes around 10 minutes to complete roll. None of my other teachers have had a problem with it, I only do it during roll and I pay close attention to where he is so I have it put down by the time the instructor starts class. Now while roll is called, the class is so big and it still has some jokers in it, it gets pretty loud because almost everyone talks and it’s pretty damn loud. It’s a lot like the cafeteria is at lunch at my school; you can’t really hear the instructor call out names too well. That’s the scene, and I was being quiet and reading while he was finishing off the names and the course instructor chose me to give a hard time, telling me ‘course instructor says no’ and closing my paper for me. I don’t know why, but I was damn near reacting to that. I was preeeettty damn close to snapping ‘I don’t care who you are, don’t touch me. You can ask me if you want me to do something.’ I know it would’ve been totally uncalled for, and even that silent reaction is uncalled for, but that’s what my reaction was. I think of it now and I still don’t get it. Why are you harassing the one who’s being QUIET when the roar is a medium roar during roll? It’s not like I don’t pay attention to my name. Ask my instructor. Ask my instructors of the months past. I’ve done it in almost every class and I always pay attention and I’m very respectful once class starts. It really makes me wonder….would you rather I sit quietly and read during the 10+ minutes for roll or would you rather I talk like everyone else? I could just as easily do that too, you know. Gah, it pissed me off. It’s a small, stupid thing that wouldn’t normally bother me much, I know, but it did anyway today. Don’t know why yet. The only logical reason is that I’ve been brooding and that’s been bothering me….but I wasn’t upset at all with it. So I don’t really know why I reacted the way I did. The feeling didn’t go away either, it really spoiled class for me for a good half hour at least and it’s still bothering me now.

I’m eventually going to get bitten by Jacinta too, in some way shape or form. I was considering in class the things I’ve written down earlier today and if her temperment and actions lately are any indication of how she’s going to react now, she’s going to be upset about what I wrote and how I feel and she’s going to bite me for it. It doesn’t matter that in the end I decided my previous feelings were wrong and overemotional. All that’s going to matter is what I said while I, too, was bothered and that it bothered her as well. So she’s going to bite me. Or she won’t say any words at all. For days or longer. Argh. That bothers me too. This is my diary though, she told me to let her be and I did…and I still needed to vent and talk about it and so I did here. So…let it come. It sucks but oh well. I don’t know how to fix that now…maybe I’ll figure out a way to fix it in the future. We’re better than this, we shouldn’t instinctively bite at each other like this. I know it’s not just her either, I’ve done it myself a few times too. We’re better than this.

So I think that that’s quite possibly going to blast me too. I can’t wait to see what else happens today to screw up my day. Little things abound as well. How much more damnit? Argh.

It’s alright though. Things will pass, I can keep a smile on my face and keep improving. This is a good opportunity to test myself some more, I think. It’s not bad times at all, just a good opportunity that was given to me so that I could test my resolve and my strength and continuing to be happy. So maybe it’s a good thing that things are upsetting me today. I can get through this.