Blog #65

It’s going to get hectic again. This week I’m going to have to get focused and do the things I need to be doing instead of playing around. After that school as it was before starts back up again. I’m going to need to stop being lazy like I have been this month, I’ve been able to get away w/ not being on a daily schedule because I have an online class so I’ve been keeping a pretty crappy sleep schedule. Naughty naughty. I’ll get back into a good schedule with the normal two classes a month soon enough. I feel that I probably should be in a schedule; it helps keep me on task, strangely enough, if I do things on a regular basis at regular times. It’s not as….hectic. There really isn’t much room for forgetting, as I so often do, if I do the same thing all the time. It’s just natural and I naturally remember it even if my mind doesn’t. So it works really well.

That being said, the nights lately have been weird. The happiness and the good times are all still there and whatnot, but there have been these sporadic moments of almost-sadness. They’re never actually sad per se, but they’re definately calm, mellow, deliberate and…backed off. Like how I usually get when I’m sad. Yet I’m not sad. They’re wistful in a way. I’ll tell you about two of them. One of them is this thought I’ve been getting as I’ve been walking home at night. The other just pops up randomly.

Walking home at night is something special for me. I really don’t mind it at all, and if I’m not too tired, I actually love it a great deal. The scent of breath of the night air is absolutely amazing. It may not be anywhere near as crisp as the north, but there’s something beautiful about the thickness of the air here. The night reminds me of nature and of life. I can feel the life all around me, even if there isn’t anyone around at night. That feeling is always stronger at night. And when I look around the streets of Orlando, I can see all of the things around me and they make me…I’m not sure how to put it, frown perhaps. I look at the sidewalks, I look at the streets, I look at the buildings and the lampposts and the cars on the streets and I see simplicity. I see just some simple manipulation of the natural things on the earth. They’re just a shade of what life really is, of what life can do. It makes me think about just how simple we really are. It makes me think that we barely know anything yet. We’re just babies starting along the path. We’re nothing like the thing/s that made all of the things around us come into being. Not even close. Thinking about that, I realized that it bothers me that people talk about how advanced we’ve become, how amazing we are at this point. I really don’t think we are at all. We’re still simple yet, we’re capable of so much more. I think it’d move faster if we didn’t focus so much on how good we are, or what understanding brings us physically….I feel that if more people looked towards the greater goal rather than material gains we’d be much further along. Just look at the things everyone focuses on so much. Just how amazing is that car, really? It kind of makes me sad that there are so many people caught up in these things and not the bigger things going on around us.

The second happens at weird times. Sometimes in class, sometimes as I wake up, sometimes as I’m playing games, sometimes before I sleep. It’s a sort of thought-monologue that asks me what I need. I always automatically answer, too. Always one of two answers. All of this in under a second. “What do you need?” “Love.” It snaps me out of what I’m doing lately. I used to not pay much attention to it. But I’m not going to look for love anymore, I’m actively avoiding romantic love. I know I’m not SAYING romantic love when I say love, but I know damn well what I mean. I mean a love, I mean a mate for life, I mean love, kisses, someone I’d give everything for. I don’t mean just love for fellow man, not even close. I’m actively focusing on working with just that, though. I don’t want romantic relationships anymore. With anyone, I just don’t want them. People have proved over nad over again, at least to me, that it’s not worth it. All you’ll ever see is a temporary fling. What good is that? People are no good at permanence, at forever. They’re simply way too whimsey, they don’t know about bringing something so close to you that it’s forever, so close that you can never forget even if you try and you can never stop loving, no matter what they do, too few people understand endless devotion to one particular thing above all others…too few people understand that. I wonder if anyone does. Do I, even? I more than most, I suppose. But maybe not even I get it. So I don’t want love. I don’t want that sort of relationship anymore. It’s just not worth it, it’s really just not worth it. What bothers me more about this, though, is the other answer. This one pops up just as often as “Love” does. In under a second the question and the reply. “What do you need?” “Jacinta.” That one downright disturbs me. It’s as if my subconcious hasn’t accepted that we’re probably never going to be together ever again. Hell, we’ll probably stop talking soon enough. We’re already keeping less and less contact with one another. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing or anything, but it is happening. My subconcious isn’t accepting that, apparently. It’s still insisting that that is the one thing I need and the only thing I need. It’s insisting that everything else is secondary as long as I have her. But I don’t have her and I’m quite fine right now. I’m doing more than relatively well, at least for me. So this random mode of thought I never really thought about before is now the subject of a good bit of thought now. It’s completely subconcious, it’s a complete blip that I’m just now noticing merely because I’m somewhat sure it’s wrong. Thinking about it in more detail, too, I realize that this isn’t the first time it’s been like this either. I did the same thing with Jessica. It would completely subconcious, only the answer would be “Jessica” instead of “Jacinta.” Perhaps this is my subconcious’s way of reinforcing the things I need to focus on so I don’t forget them, so I focus on them instead of on me. Perhaps it’s pure obsession on my part. I don’t know what it is at this point, honestly. It could be a lot of things. But it disturbs me on some levels. I know I felt intensely for these two, but so intensely that my subconcious will constantly reinforce my beliefs about them push them to a ‘need’ status? Hmm…

So those are my two bad moments that’ve been popping up lately. They’re not really sad, per se, but they’re my latest incarnations of the ‘bad mood.’ That’s actually a misnomer, I’m still just as happy as I normally am when I’m in em. They just bother me some, that’s all. Nothing major at all. I’ve grown used to the lonliness, at least for now, so everything is ok now and has been for a while. I feel that my outer shield is soaking a lot of that, and I think that’s probably a good thing. This is how my shield is supposed to work, it’s not supposed to make me unfeeling. It’s not supposed to numb me to absolutely everything so I keep moving in a daze. It’s just supposed to keep me in the right sort of mind so that the bad things don’t dominate me and my frame of mind. It’s to help me keep positive and in good spirits about things…not about blinding me to the world. I feel so naive, after all thi

s time, in some ways. I understand people and their methods, habits, how they act and how to manipulate them, but I understand so little about feeling itself. I’m really not sure about feeling, especially my own. Everyone else is so much further along than I am…I feel like I’m still back in middle school.