Blog #573

Jeez it’s been a long set of days. I’m stressing out for stupid reasons and getting overly worried about myself being sick when it was in all likelihood just the flu and yeah. I’m dumb, simple as that. Then there’s the good reasons….I have court tomorrow and bleh. Debt issues out of my control…I went to college and it’s ruining my life. For a legitimate degree too. Who would’ve thought? Not me. Not the way college and debt was always explained to me by everyone. I feel like a sucker. I WAS a sucker. 

I’m really worried about my financial future. I just can’t seem to get paid enough to get ahead, not here. I’m starting to look at the bigger cities down south, maybe linking up to a hospital down there so I can make the sort of money I need to be making to start getting on top of the debt instead of just subsisting. At the same time, how the hell will I manage that? I’ll just be another dude. Recently my chief posted that a lieutenant position has opened up and that he was looking about for anyone interested. Been thinking I should jump on it. I mean I’m already doing scheduling, why not take care of the equipment too? But part of that is taking care of the vehicles and I don’t know anything about that. I am ridiculously unqualified for that bit…..but I might just talk to him about it anyway. Just to see. I know he likes me and it shows in the responsibility he’s been giving me but hm. It’s worth talking to him about at any rate I guess. Might as well see, right? If I do get that under my belt it’ll help me a ton with getting work elsewhere. Maybe I could get into a bigger city with better pay and find a way to make cheap rent….maybe maybe. Probably not but maybe. >.< Anything that isn’t volunteer will be a step up though. 

Yeufann’s company is going under, the futures market is not working I guess. I don’t really know/adequately understand the details. He’s looking into possibilities for where he goes next. One of the marketing people for his firm has been trying to sell him for something in the ballpark of 130k/year to Singapore. Jesus…..we both think that’s probably not likely, but christ, just to think that someone is seriously trying to get him work at that kinda pay. When I step back and realize that, hey, my best friend is doing that well and here I am doing this poorly, it’s crazy to think that we came from the same kinda place in a lotta ways. I feel completely vindicated in my faith in him too, though. It’s an impressive vindication of his character; he’s still my best friend even though he’s stratospheres above and beyond me when it comes to work, status, etc. I’m just a working dude, nothing special and he’s doing great and doesn’t feel ashamed or bad about talking with me or having me over or introducing me to his friends. That’s how it should be. We shouldn’t look upon each other as different as is almost always the case. He’s a great dude. I’m incredibly happy that at least one of us is making it. I’m really proud of him and I’m not going to lie; I live vicariously through him at times. It’s great and he’s great. I was really lucky to have met him.

Which reminds me of Jacinta. She was super special and amazing too. And….I recently told someone I met about her, all that. Which is strange. A few years ago, or a year ago? I don’t know. It was gradual, but I hit a spot where I don’t talk about my past anymore. I used to focus a lot on the things that came before and constantly examine them to figure out what spoke to me, what I did wrong, what I did right, how I could’ve improved and also just plain to replay the emotions I liked and sometimes to replay the things I didn’t like either. But I stopped. I don’t think about it any more, not even about Kate and she was pretty recent. Part of it was conscious; I didn’t want my past to impact how my future evolves. I think that’s reasonable. But this girl, she asked after it. I dodged a few times, but we kept talking and it was good and easy and felt okay and I started to. First I talked about school and academics, the easiest bit for people to relate to. Then I touched on the less-easy bit for others to relate to, about the home life. Both of that is pretty distant from me and what I value, so it was easy for me. I really didn’t want to tell her about the important women of my past but….felt disingenuous to tell her hey, this is my important relevant history when she had already told me hers and she was obviously interested. It felt like lying to leave out the bits that were so important, you know? So….I did. All the way through. I glossed over a lot and got it out in about an hour. It was alright though.; I thought some of that might put her off like my talking about my past usually does w/ people, but it didn’t really. She just said I made more sense. Which is good I suppose. 

It’s bad too, though, because it means I’m remembering. Jessy in particular….there’s just so much emotion wrapped up in that girl, even now. I’ve never ever felt so strongly around someone and there’s so many nasty emotions wrapped up in my time with her. Part of that is obvious ofc, considering the lives we both led at home, a lot of those memories are bound to come up because those things were a big part of what drove us together to begin with. But part of it was just that we amped each other up so much. And the memories are ingrained so deep into me it’s unreal. It’s like she’s the only damn thing I remember about that time in my life. The rest is gone or mostly gone. 

So that’s putting me into a mood. Remembering Kate is, too. I love that girl and I feel like a fool for everything. It’s been years now. Isn’t that fucked? It’s been years….years like nothing. 

Blah. 

Anyway. I’m in a really bad mood today. Exceptionally bad. I’m looking outside right now and I can see a sliver of the moon. It irritates me like everything seems to right now. It’s just so bright and shiny and regular. If I could I’d reach up and grab it, then eat it. It’d force everyone to come to me to see the moon and I’d open up my mouth and they’d see the light coming out from within me.