Blog #55

Last of the midterms is today. Had one on Friday, got an 87 (ouchies) and then I aced my lab practical (perfect score ya bastages!) yesterday so I should be going ok for sound foundations. It’s funny how solid I am on the actual wiring and cables and gear units compared to how well I know the book material on what the knobs and buttons actually do. It’s really weird, actually, since I can show you exactly what they do if I have one but I apparently get screwed up writing it down. That’s exactly opposite of what I normally do. Exactly opposite. Normally I understand the theoretics very, very well and I’m not as good at using it in a practical way. Though I usually ace both, honestly I feel I’m better with it on paper than not (concerning most other subjects). I think a lot of the reason it’s working out this way here is because I know absolutely nothing about the material here so I’m actually learning more of the basics and some of the midrange stuffs than the upper tiers of the material like I’m normally used to. On the plus side though, my old strengths and experiences are coming out. Well, as evidenced by the actual electronics stuff. Hell, I pulled a weak B on the test but I ACED the practical because of it. I used to play with wires and electrics all the time and so did my friends. Yay for having engineer friends and picking things up from em. That’s why I understood how to patch so effectively and that’s why I’m picking up that physical equivalent of the book so effectively. I’m USED to doing that. Wires don’t scare me and machines are always logical; they make sense every time. The only thing about it is you gotta know what they’re trying to do. Once you know that, there is never any problems. You just go down the line logically, based on where and what your problem is, and you find where the kink in the line is and then troubleshoot it. Easy. Honestly, the consoles are nothing more than huge computers. Huge computers that are WAY more simple than an actual computer. I’ll know them by the back of my hand by the time I leave, I’m sure. Anyway, though, I have my last midterm today. Songcraft. Should be easy, I just need to read over 12 bar blues before I get there. Honestly I didn’t need to study at all for this one, it’s a piece o’ cake. All that was there that I didn’t actually know already was 12 bar.

Mmm…I’m really not focused on school right now though. Luckily I still get it without focusing right now. The worry is beginning to fade but I’m still unsure about that. I mean there’s always the chance that I was wrong, right? Or there’s always the chance that it’s something that’ll not become apparent for months or years even, so what’s the point of the worry? It’ll only hold me down and keep me away from the things I need to be doing right now, despite the troubles. Or maybe it could be something as simple as my own negativity coming back to me after all these years. I think that, perhaps, there’s a lot of sense in the idea that if you release negativity that it comes back to you after a time and hits you back. So I think I’m going to try to let it go and just be done with it. Whatever it is I’m most likely tough enough to shrug it off anyway. And if it destroys this world I’ve been building, well, then I’m not going to mourn it. I’m not any more happy here at this point anyway, maybe it’ll be a good thing if things went that way instead. It’s easier to be happy with less….you don’t have to think about your things and you don’t have to worry about them. You just focus on your task at hand. So maybe it’d be a good thing that way. As something to focus me more on the things I want to be focusing on. Or maybe it’ll just destroy me. That’s fine. I’ve released more than enough negativity to the people around me; I probably deserve it. I don’t think I’d mind a release anyway.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Jacinta, too. Actually, a lot more than normal and I normally think about her a lot. It sounds so stupid, but we hadn’t talked for 5-some days and I’ve been kinda weird about that. I guess I grew to look forward to spending time with her (even if it’s just an e-mail) more than I knew. It’s funny…as much as I say I’m over it and I don’t want any attachments any more, I don’t think I really am. At least with her at this point. As far as not wanting attachments to anyone else, that’s definately true. I really, really don’t and I’ve been avoiding them pretty consistantly. I’ve been keeping my own personal distance and letting them get to trust me so I can cheer em up and talk with them about their things without getting close myself. That might be a flawed way of going about it though; how can you really feel another person if you don’t emote them and their experiences? Well, I guess I do do that, I just don’t get attached. Hrm. But anyway, with Jacinta it’s different, as ever. I really don’t want to lose even that last thread even though I keep trying to get myself to let it go. I might even be going about that really poorly too, heh. I keep telling myself there’s no way she’s going to keep talking to me forever (even though honestly I’m not sure about that) and that she’s going to find someone else (though I don’t know about that either; guys would much rather have sex than substance, I know this already), and that I’m not going worth working over either (which is probably less true now. I’m still coming in long strides I feel. It’s just a slower walk now and not happening anywhere near as quickly). It’s sad how much I miss her, it really is. It’s been a year now and I’m not over it yet. I wonder if I’ll hold this forever; the year flashed by in an instant and it’s like barely anything happened. Yes, stuff DID happen, but the amount of time it seemed like seems almost…trivial. Meh. Maybe I want it a lot more than I’m letting myself realize. Heh…funny, isn’t it? I’m doing the very same things I accuse her of doing all the time; muting your own ears and trying to believe and do the things you want to happen rather than listening to your emotions when you should. And I used to blame her for that too. Man, if that isn’t irony I don’t know what is. Ugh. Well I guess I don’t blame her for that anymore. Really, what else is there for me to do though? Just keep trying for that? Argh, that’d only cause problems with her, I think. So maybe I should just keep muting it and smashing it down. Hrm. I dunno. Maybe I should ask her. I’m…meh. I dunno. Maybe I’ll just assume I shouldn’t. Or I should. Gah, I dunno. I’m just gonna shut up and go to class now.